


Enchanted

by xheybails



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-06
Updated: 2012-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-18 06:36:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2338739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xheybails/pseuds/xheybails
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, life is a fairytale. Sometimes, life is a tragedy. For some of us, it's both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Back to December

**Author's Note:**

> Italics: Flashbacks, Bold: Lyrics.
> 
> A few notes about this story that might help it be a little easier to understand. This story will basically be read like a series of one-shots, but they will all be related to one another, some will be told from Maura’s POV, some from Jane’s, some will be the same moments told from both sides.
> 
> The story isn't linear, so be sure to pay attention to when each part takes place!

“Back To December”  
 _December 2012_

 ********_I’m so glad you made time to see me  
How’s life? Tell me, how’s your family?  
I haven’t seen them in a while_

  
I sat nervously, checking my cell every fifteen seconds to check the time.  8:47.  Thirteen minutes.  Minutes passed like hours as my mind raced, recounting everything that had brought us to this point.    
  
 _“What?” she asked me, tears already filling her eyes, “You’re…what?”_  
  
 _I couldn’t even reply.  It had taken enough strength to get it out the first time.  No way could I muster up the courage to get it out a second time.  It’s not like I wanted to do this.  Not like I didn’t want to be here.  Not like I didn’t want her._  
  
 _But this would be the best for both of us.  Well, for her anyway.  Things just couldn’t go on the way they were.  She was too important.  I had to do this.  I had to protect her._  
  
 _“I don’t understand.  I thought we were…I thought you were…happy.  I…” she trailed off and I had to look away.  The tears in her eyes were too much.  And if I started to cry, I could never do this._  
  
The presence of the other woman sitting down across from me jarred me from my thoughts.  She was as beautiful as ever.  “Hey,” I said shyly, not really sure how to start the dreaded conversation.  
  
She gave me the faintest hint of a small smile before replying, “So, you’re back.”  
  
“Yeah.”   
  
This was going to be harder than I thought.  But if I wanted a chance to make this right, I knew I had to take it.  I knew I wouldn’t get another.  
  
“So…um…I…how’s, um…how is everyone?”  
  
I winced at my words.  They didn’t sound like me.  Nothing about this was right or natural.  If it were a normal day, she would have smirked at me, made some snide remark about a dog having my tongue or something.  But today was anything but normal.  
  
“Everyone is good.  Same as always.”

 

**_You’ve been good, busier than ever_   
_Small talk, work and the weather_   
_Your guard is up and I know why_   
_Because the last time you saw me_   
_Is still burned in the back of your mind_   
** _You gave me roses and I left them there to die_

  
_When the last box was packed up and put in the truck, my eyes took in my surroundings and did one last check to make sure nothing had been left behind._   
  
_The flowers.  The beautiful flowers that dripped with unspoken I love yous and kisses that would never be shared.  I feel myself sigh and wipe away the tear that had begun to roll down my cheek._   
  
_Taking one last look at the flowers on the counter, I shut the door behind me._

 

**_So this is me swallowing my pride_   
_Standing in front of you_   
_Saying I’m sorry for that night_   
** _And I go back to December all the time_

  
“Did you really just ask me here to see how everyone was doing?”  
  
“No, I just…I miss you.”  
  
I could feel the tears threatening to fall and willed myself to think of anything else to keep them at bay.  
  
“Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but that was your choice.”  
  
The anger was apparent in her voice.  She had a right to be angry.  I felt a tear escape my eye and quickly wiped it away, hoping she didn’t see.  
  
“What did you expect, Maura?”  I used to love the way she said my name.  “That you would come back here after two year,  _two years_ , and I would jump into your arms like nothing has changed?”

 

**_It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you_   
_Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine_   
_And I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind_   
** _I go back to December all the time_

  
_I walked through the falling snow, freezing, yet no real desire to go inside or to get warm._   
  
_It was the day before New Years Eve.  She said she couldn’t wait; that she wanted to ask me at midnight tomorrow, she had the whole thing planned out, but as we laid on her couch after our movie ended this evening, she thought now was the perfect time._   
  
_“Marry me, Maura.”_   
  
_Those three words would certainly haunt me for the rest of my life.  Those three, tiny, perfect words.  The ones I had dreamt about hearing as a child, when my future still looked like a fairytale and I didn’t have social anxiety and abandonment issues.  Where there was still a prince in my future._   
  
_And now, all I saw was Jane.  Jane was the only future, I wanted.  I am sure of that.  I love Jane with all my heart._   
  
_But sometimes, life isn’t that easy.  Something else I didn’t know when I was younger, dreaming of heartfelt proposals with long speeches and carriage rides and fireworks, sometimes, you have to make hard decisions.  Sometimes, you have to put those you love before yourself.  Sometimes you have to protect them.  And sometimes, unfortunately, you have to leave them to protect them._

 

**_These days, I haven’t been sleeping  
Staying up playing back myself leaving  
When your birthday passed and I didn’t call_ **

  
_I sat there all day with the phone in my hand.  It had been eight months since I left.  Eight months since I had heard her voice.  Eight months since I slept through the night._   
  
_I glanced at the Red Sox tickets lying on the table in front of me.  I considered sending them to her countless times, it’s not like I was still going to go without her, but I figured she probably wouldn’t have gone if she had known they were from me anyway.  We would have had a perfect day together._   
  
_I had planned out her birthday from morning until night.  Starting with breakfast in bed, well, okay, maybe more than breakfast would have happened in bed.  Then an afternoon of baseball, complete with a few beers and the evening to themselves._   
  
_Yes, it would have been perfect.  And now, I can’t even bother to pick up the phone and wish her happy birthday._   
  
_But it was probably for the better this way.  She deserved better than me.  She deserved better than someone who would always end up hurting her._

 

**_And I think about summer all the beautiful times  
I watched you laughing from the passenger side  
And I realized I loved you in the fall_ **

  
_“Jane.  Jane, please.  Tell me where we are going!”_   
  
_“Nope.  Not going to happen.”_   
  
_I put on my best pout, the one that always got me the movie I wanted to watch, the restaurant I wanted to go to, the times she agreed to go shopping with me._   
  
_“That’s not going to work, Maura.  Not this time.  Please, just get in the car.  I’ve planned this whole weekend for us, we are going to enjoy it the way I intended, dammit!”_   
  
_“But how do I know if I am dressed properly?”_   
  
_There it was, that famous Rizzoli smirk.  I did my best to keep my pout in place, hands on my hips, standing my ground between her and the door._   
  
_Next thing I knew, she was next to me, wrapping her arms around me.  I felt her press a kiss into the top of my head._   
  
_“Maura, you look perfect.”_   
  
_I smiled up at her, catching her lips with my own and walked with her to the car.  Yes, I most definitely loved Jane Rizzoli._

 

**_And then the cold came, the dark days_   
_When fear crept into my mind_   
_You gave me all your love_   
** _And all I gave you was goodbye_

  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
It was all I could say.  Of course, I didn’t expect nothing to have changed.  I was a genius, after all, and there was no subject I had excelled in more than that of Jane Rizzoli.  
  
“You’re sorry?  Really?  Well, I’m sorry too.  I’m sorry it took me proposing to you for you to realize that you didn’t love me.”  
  
“Is that really what you think?  That I don’t love you?”  
  
“I can’t think of any other explanation.”  
  
There was no stopping the tears now.  I let them fall freely without even bothering to wipe them away.  I expected her to hate me.  I expected her to yell.  I didn’t expect that.

 

**_I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile_   
_So good to me, so right_   
_And how you held me in your arms that September night_   
** _The first time you ever saw me cry_

  
“I’ve always loved you, Jane.”

 

**_Maybe the is wishful thinking_ **

  
I looked into her eyes, begging her to see the truth in them.

 

**_Probably mindless dreaming_ **

  
For a split second, I swear I saw a flash of hope in her eyes.

 

**_But if we loved again, I swear I’d love you right_ **

  
“Jane, I will always love you.”

 

**_I’d go back in time and change it, but I can’t  
So if the chain is on your door, I understand_ **

  
“I can’t do this.”  
  
She stood to leave the bar and I felt every shred of hope I had held onto all this time slip from my grasp.  I was certain if she left now, she would walk out of my life forever.  
  
“Jane, wait!”  
  
I ran out the door after her, and to my surprise, she stopped.  
  
“Please.  Don’t go.”  
  
“Maura,” she took a deep breath, “It’s too late.”  
  
And at that very second, I felt my heart break into a million tiny pieces.  Logically, I knew this couldn’t really happen but I now understood the metaphor.  
  
Sitting on Jane’s left hand was a small, beautiful, devastating diamond ring.  


 

**_I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind  
I go back to December all the time_ **


	2. Ours

“Ours”  
 _December 2010_

**_Elevator buttons and morning air_  
** _**Stranger’s silence makes me want to take the stairs**_  
 _ **If you were here we’d laugh about their vacant stares**_  
 _ **But right now, my time is theirs**_

For as long as I can remember, I have always hated Mondays.  Because what is fun about waking up early after two days of sleeping in?  Nothing I can think of.  It got a little easier after school became work.  At least work was usually enjoyable.  
  
And then one Monday, I found that maybe Mondays weren’t so bad.  After spending the evening before avoiding a guy Ma had set me up with at a stupid party, one that turned out to be not so stupid, the last thing I expected was to see her here.  
  
 _It was an easy enough maneuver.  I had perfected it over the years as I learned to ditch the less than interesting guys Ma described as handsome and charming.  I spotted a girl alone at the bar, chatted with her for a few minutes, and then promptly introduced her to my date.  As they talked, I slipped away to survey the room._  
  
 _And there she was.  There was no mistaking the blonde in the middle of the room.  Even from twenty feet away, I could see the way her eyes shined as she animatedly told a story to the circle of people surrounding her.  For a brief second, our eyes met and the girl flashed me a smile._  
  
 _I was sure I felt my heart stop._  
  
 _And there she was at BPD the next morning, smile and all.  I raced to follow her into the elevator and was relieved to find we were alone._  
  
 _Maybe Mondays wouldn’t be so bad after all._  
  
But today, Maura wasn’t here.  And that meant Mondays were no fun.  She had left for New York the previous evening when she found out her father had to have surgery.  Constance assured her it was nothing serious, but Maura insisted on going.  
  
And that’s exactly why I love her, I thought to myself, a smile playing on my lips.

**_Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves_  
** _**They’ll judge it like they know about me and you**_  
 _ **And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do**_  
 _ **The jury’s out, but my choice is you**_

_“Ma, you’re really okay with this?”_   
  
_“Okay with this?  Janie, I’m thrilled!  My daughter is dating a doctor!  I prayed for this for so long.  You better not screw this up.  Maura is a wonderful girl, you treat her right.”_   
  
_“Ma!”  I rolled my eyes at her comments.  “You realize I’m your daughter, right?  Not her?”_   
  
_“Of course I know that, Jane, I was there.  I remember.  I’m just saying.  Be nice to her.”_   
  
_I bit my lip and looked around nervously before speaking again.  “Do you think Pop will be okay with it?”_   
  
_“Oh, Janie.  I don’t know.  There was a time when I knew everything about that man.  Now I’m not sure I know him at all.”_   
  
_I guess having three out of four of your parents approve is more than some people got.  Maura’s parents reacted much like Ma, just happy we were happy._

**_So don’t you worry your pretty little mind_  
** _**People throw rocks and things that shine**_  
 _ **And life makes love look hard**_  
 _ **The stakes are high**_  
 _ **The water’s rough**_  
 _ **But this love is ours**_

Maura was set to come back in two days, the day before New Year’s Eve.  I smile, as I think about the diamond ring in the little blue box sitting in my car.  Now all I needed was the perfect moment.  Maura deserved the perfect proposal.  She has probably been dreaming about that moment since she knew what marriage was.  And I was going to give that to her.  
  
I had it all planned out.  On New Year’s Eve, at midnight, I would take Maura outside beneath the stars, bottle of Champaign on standby, get down on one knee, hopefully it would be snowing, I thought, remembering our first kiss, and give her the long speech.  I began to recite in my mind once more; I wanted to get it perfect when I asked.  
  
“Maura, the past two years have been the best of my life.  You know, it has been exactly two years, almost to the moment that we kissed for the first time.  We had been friends for quite a while then, but little did you know, you’d had my heart since the first time I saw you smile.  You light up the room every time you walk through the door, and by some miracle, you chose to love me.  You make my day better just by being there and I never want to live without you.  Maura Isles, would you please do me the honor of becoming my wife?”  
  
And then she would say yes.  And there would be some tears.  And there would be lots of engagement sex.  I smirked at the thought.  Yes, there would most definitely be lots of sex.

**_You never know what people have up their sleeves_  
** _**Ghosts from your past are gonna jump out at me**_  
 _ **Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles**_  
 _ **But I don’t care, cause right now you’re mine**_

_“Maura, please tell me what’s wrong.  You’re making me nervous.”_   
  
_I watched as she paced back and forth, hand to her forehead, shaking her head.  I could tell she was talking to herself, but I couldn’t make out anything but a few grumbles.  I stood from the couch and walked toward her, taking her hands in mine._   
  
_“Maura, honey, what is it?”_   
  
_“Ian is here.”_   
  
_I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  Not Ian.  Anyone but Ian.  Ian, the criminal.  But no, that’s not why I hated him.  Ian, the love of her life.  Yes, that’s why I hated him.  I felt the anger building up and fought the urge to drive over there and punch him in the face._   
  
_“How long is he staying?”  I already knew the answer was too long._   
  
_“Just a couple days.”_   
  
_I took a deep breath, thinking of my two options.  Both ended with making sure Ian knew that Maura was mine, and I wasn’t about to give her up.  But Maura would probably be upset with me if I chose option A and inflicted violence upon him._   
  
_“Will you stay with me?”  I finally asked her._   
  
_“You don’t trust me?”_   
  
_“Of course I trust you.  I don’t trust him.  He is a criminal, after all.”_   
  
_Her eyes softened and gave me a small smile._   
  
_“Okay, I’ll stay with you.”_

******_It’s not theirs to speculate if it’s wrong_**  
 ** _And your hands are tough but they are where mine belong_**  
 ** _And I’ll fight their doubt and give you faith with this song for you_**

_I pulled into Maura’s driveway with no recollection of how I made it there.  Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t wipe them away fast enough.  I cut the engine and drug my feet toward the front door, grateful when I heard it open and felt arms wrap around me._  
  
 _I didn’t hesitate to sink my head into her shoulder, letting her hands caress my back.  I have no idea how long it was before she pulled back, but it felt like hours.  She led me to the couch, wrapping her arms around me once more._  
  
 _“What did they say?”_  
  
 _“Ma said she would kill me if I broke your heart.”  I gave a small chuckle through my tears and saw her give me a concerned smile._  
  
 _“And your dad?”_  
  
“Not so much.”  
  
 _“I’m sorry, sweetie.”_  
  
 _She held me until my tears dried and when I finally looked up again, I saw pain and dread had taken over her face._  
  
 _“Maura, what is it?”_  
  
 _“I don’t want to come between you and your family, Jane.”  I saw the tears in her eyes and wiped away the one that fell.  “Your family is important, I can’t ruin that.”_  
  
 _“You are important.  You matter.  Not him.  If he can’t accept this, I don’t want him anyway.  Because what we have is special.  And I can’t live without you.  So you are important.  I love you, Maura, nothing anyone says is going to change that.”_  
  
 _“You…love me?”_  
  
 _“Yes, I love you.”_  
  
 _“I love you, too.”_

**_Cause I love the gap between your teeth_  
** _**And I love the riddles that you speak**_  
 _ **And any snide remarks from my father**_  
 _ **About your tattoos will be ignored**_  
 _ **Cause my heart is yours**_

_For the tenth time in the last hour, I banged my head against my desk.  It had been almost two weeks since our first date, and I had been determined to take things slow.  But damn, sometimes Maura made that extremely difficult.  We have been texting all morning and I’m beginning to think she is torturing me on purpose._   
  
_“Tell me something I don’t know about you.”_   
  
_“I have a tattoo.”_   
  
_I had actually literally choked on my coffee as I read her confession.  It took me several minutes to regain my composure and get all the guys to stop staring at me._   
  
_“Of what?!  And where???”_   
  
_“You’ll have to figure it out for yourself. ;)”_   
  
_“Please?  Can I at least get a hint?”_   
  
_“It’s very symbolic.  In a place most people don’t get to see.”_   
  
_“But you’ll let me see?”_   
  
_“Only if you’re nice to me.”_   
  
_It had been driving me crazy ever since.  She wanted nice?  I can give her nice._

**_Don’t you worry your pretty little mind_  
** _**People throw rocks and things that shine**_  
 _ **But they can’t take what’s ours**_  
 _ **They can’t take what’s ours**_

As we lay on my couch, as the credits of some cheesy romantic movie she begged me to watch with her began, I ran my fingers under the waistband of her shorts, stopping when I reached the small group of swallows just below her hip.  
  
 _“They symbolize freedom, loyalty and love.  What more do you need in life?”_  
  
I didn’t expect to say the words that came out of my mouth next.  But once they were out, I realized they were as perfect as the speech I had prepared.  
  
“Marry me, Maura.”

**_The stakes are high  
The water’s rough  
But this love is ours_ **


	3. Fearless

“Fearless”  
 _December 2008_

******_There’s something about the way_**  
 **_The street looks when it’s just rained_**  
 **_There’s a glow off the pavement_**  
 **_You walk me to the car_**

  
Three days.  I told her I wanted to be with her three days ago, and she’s barely said a word to me since.  I knew this was a mistake.  I knew I shouldn’t have risked our friendship like that.  Now I wouldn’t have her in my life at all, let alone be in a romantic relationship with her.  
  
I sighed once more; thinking the intern on the other side of the room was probably starting to wonder if I was okay with the amount of sighing I’d been doing.  Not to mention the trashcan I’d kicked as I walked into the room.  I never did that.  I’ve been spending too much time with Jane lately, I thought to myself.  
  
“No such thing.”  I mumbled under my breath.  A quick look at the intern told me he either didn’t hear me or pretended not to.  Good.  That’s the last thing I need today, interns asking me to spill my guts to them.  No thank you.  
  
I heard footsteps coming down the hall and glanced at the door as it opened.  Just as I had half hoped and half feared, it was Jane.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
I replied with a pleasant enough ‘hello’ and silently wondered if this would be the last conversation we ever had.  
  
“Can we talk?”  
  
I followed her into my office, careful to shut the door behind me.  She took a seat and I lingered behind, unsure of what was coming, and therefore where would be an appropriate place to sit.  
  
“Are you going to sit?”  She asked me, gesturing to the spot on the couch next to her.  I made my way toward her, avoiding her eye the entire way; I sure this was going to be the end of our friendship.  
  
“Do you want to go on a date with me?”  
  
She asked me like it was the simplest thing in the world.  Like I shouldn’t have expected anything else to come out of her mouth then.  I felt my jaw go slack and tried my best to recover before she noticed.  Of course she noticed.  
  
“Sorry, I just…I assumed you would want to.  Since you asked me the other night and all.  I know I should technically just accept your invitation, but I was really hoping I could take you out.  I’ve been thinking about it and I just really want to do something nice for you.  But if you don’t want to anymore, maybe you’ve changed your mind.  We don’t have to.  It’s okay.  I shouldn’t have assumed.”  
  
I realized I had yet to reply, but the words just wouldn’t come.  I nodded my head enthusiastically, desperately trying to say the words.  
  
“Oh.  I see.  I made Dr. Isles speechless.  I didn’t think that was possible.”  She laughed at me.  Here I was, freaking out and she is laughing at me!  
  
“Is that a yes, then?”  
  
I nodded again and she laughed once more.  “Okay, I’ll pick you up at seven.” 

 

**_And you know I won’t ask you to dance right there  
In the middle of the parking lot_**

After dinner that night, Jane took my hand as she walked me back to the car, then put her arm around me when she saw me shiver a bit in the chilly December air.  Being just a couple days after Christmas, the city was more quiet than normal, much of it’s residents spending time with friends and family, rather than out and about.  
  
Just before reaching the car, Jane suddenly stopped, pulling me around to face her.  She had that grin on her face, that one that said she had an idea that I probably wouldn’t be so keen on.  
  
“Dance with me.”  She said it so matter of fact, so confidently, so determined.  
  
“There’s no music.  And we’re in a parking lot.  Really Jane, the restaurant even had a dance floor and you want to just make our own here next to a Buick and a Volkswagon?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Before I knew it, Jane’s hands were wrapping around my waist and I instinctually placed mine around her neck, resting my head against her chest.  I let her take the lead, moving me around the parking lot.  After a few moments, I heard her barely whisper “Did I tell you how beautiful you are tonight?”  
  
I felt my smile grow wide and gave a small chuckle, “only five or six times.”  
  
“Good, because you are gorgeous.”  
  
“Thank you, Jane.” 

******_We’re driving down the road_**  
 **_I wonder if you know_**  
 **_I’m trying so hard_**  
 **_Not to get caught up now_**

As the drive to wherever Jane was taking her passed, conversation flowing easily, as it always did.  She didn’t even cut me off when I dove into an explanation of the wine we had with our dinner and what made it so unique.  Normally she would have told me to quit the Googlespeak and talk about something more interesting.  But tonight, she just smiled at me and squeezed my hand.  I could get used to this.  
  
After a while, silence fell over the car and I began to let my mind wander, thinking of all the possibilities in my future, now that Jane wanted to be a part of it.  Most people found it surprising, but I was never one to think about the future.  Of course, I had thought about the future in terms of my education, my career, my social responsibilities.  But I never thought about my own personal future, never considered the idea of marriage, of children, growing old together.  But Jane made me want to think about these things.  
  
Still, there was a reason I had never considered marrying anyone.  It wasn’t because I hadn’t found the right person, even though I knew now that until Jane, I hadn’t, because when I was with Ian, I was certain he was the love of my life.  He was it for me.  But still, I never even considered marrying him.  
  
I’m just not the marrying type.  The idea of being obligated to spend the rest of my life with someone, why would anyone find that appealing?  People grew; people changed.  People grew apart.  How on earth could two people be certain they would grow and change together?  
  
My parents had thought they wanted me, they had adopted me, but somewhere along the way, they had obviously changed their minds.  And could their marriage even be considered a real marriage?  They spent more time apart than they did together, that’s probably the only reason they hadn’t considered ending their life together.  They didn’t really have one.  
  
And even Jane’s parents, who I had always thought made such a wonderful couple, they couldn’t make it work either.  So how could I?  I am more emotionally damaged than any of them, how on earth could I possibly sustain a healthy relationship?  
  
Jane made me want to try though.  She always had that effect on me, making me want to be a better person.  Try new things, even make some friends.  I had never really had friends until I found Jane.  She had always been the exception to my rules; maybe she would be the exception to this rule as well.  
  
Why am I even considering this right now?  Marriage, kids, the future, on the first date?  Even though we’ve been out countless times together, treating the other to dinner was nothing new; this was still technically our first date.  There would be time for thinking about this later.  Right now, I would enjoy this, because I’m certain, nothing else will ever quite compare.

**_But you’re just so cool  
Run your hands through your hair  
Absent-mindedly making me want you_**

I glanced to my left to see Jane smiling as she concentrated on the road, one hand on the wheel, one hand running through her hair, not in the nervous way she normally did, but in a confident way that made her look simply irresistible.  She looked over at me, and when she caught my gaze, she smiled and grabbed my hand again, giving it a small squeeze.  
  
“So where are you taking me?”  I knew she wouldn’t tell me, but curiosity got the better of me and I couldn’t resist asking her once more.  
  
“You already know the answer to that, Maura.  Can’t you just let me have my fun?”  
  
Our first date and she already knew I couldn’t say know when she looked at me like that.  Of course, there was a lot Jane knew about me that I would never reveal on a first date, but for some reason, it didn’t scare me as much as I would have expected.  Jane felt comfortable.  
  
Being with Jane was like being home.

******_And I don’t know how it gets better than this_**  
 **_You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless_**  
 **_And I don’t know why, but with you I’d dance_**  
 **_In a storm, in my best dress, fearless_**

Lying in the grass was something I would never do.  Never.  God only knows how many grass stains I would have on my dress when I got home.  Not to mention the dirt and the bugs.   Then there would be bugs in the house.  Which would spread to everywhere else.  No, I would never do this.  
  
But she was so excited about it, when they pulled up to the clearing on top of the hill, Jane had parked the car and pulled a giant blanket out of the trunk and laid it down in the grass, then took my hand and led me to the spot.  To say I was hesitant would be an understatement.  
  
“Uh, Jane.  What are we doing?”  
  
“Come on, Maura.  Lay with me.  It’s a beautiful night, I promise, I won’t let you get too dirty.”  
  
I glanced around nervously before letting out a sigh.  Just another thing I would have never considered doing without Jane.  Slowly, I sat down next to her, letting her guide me down to her, settling my head against her shoulder.  It was a beautiful night, Jane was right about that, and as soon as I felt Jane take my hand, I forgot about all the dirt and bugs and grass and let myself enjoy the moment.  
  
“Maura, I…” Jane started to speak, then paused as she propped her head up with her arm, turning to face me, her other hand still secure in mine.  “I just want you to know, I’m not taking this lightly.  You and me, I mean.  You’re important to me, and I just hope you know how much.  I want to take this slow and I want to do this right.  I don’t want to screw it up.  You mean too much to me.”  
  
Seeing Jane like this was a rarity, one I knew never to take for granted.  It wasn’t often that Jane opened her heart up like that; I knew she hated to be seen as anything but strong and unbreakable.  Expressing her fears was never something she was very good at, so I took a moment to appreciate her sincerity and trust before responding.  
  
“That means a lot to me.  And of course I know how much you care about me.  I know you would never hurt me or upset me on purpose.  And I trust you.  I trust you to take care of me and be honest with me.”  Pausing, I reached up to tuck a stray curl behind her ear, and then softly kissed her cheek before returning to my previous position.  
  
“I trust you.”  I repeated again, keeping her gaze with mine and squeezing her hand.  She smiled at me, and realizing no more words were necessary, she laid back down next to me, pulling me toward her and wrapping both her arms around me.  I nestled my head against her chest and closed my eyes, feeling more at peace than I had in years.

******_So baby drive slow, until we run out of road_**  
 **_In this one horse town_**  
 **_I want to stay right here in this passenger seat_**  
 **_You put your eyes on me_**  
 **_In this moment now, capture it, remember it_**

The drive home went much faster than I wanted it to.  Normally nights out with Jane never had to stop at the drive home, she would nearly always come in for a beer and we would sit and talk until we were too tired to stay up any longer.  But that was my best friend Jane.  Now she was my girlfriend Jane.  And everything was different now.  
  
So I didn’t complain when she walked me to the door and pulled me into a hug that ended way too soon.  
  
“I’ll see you in the morning.  Do you want me to pick you up for work?”  I nodded and she hugged me once more and whispered into my ear, “Goodnight, Maura.”  
  
“Goodnight, Jane.”  I replied, and she turned to go home for the night.  
  
“Wait.”  She turned around to face me, still grinning that smile that made me weak in the knees.  
  
“Yes, m’lady?”   
  
I would have laughed had I not been thrown off guard by her decision to leave a few moments ago.  
  
“Aren’t you going to kiss me?”  
  
This had been a date, right?  I hadn’t imagined that.  Dates ended in kisses.  Well, usually my dates ended in more than kisses.  But of course, after their conversation earlier, that wouldn’t be happening tonight.  But surely slow didn’t mean no kissing on the first date.  
  
“Good things come to those who wait, Dr. Isles.”  
  
She winked at me and walked to the car once more and I stood watching her car drive away until she faded into the night.  I was certain of one thing; I had never met anyone quite like Jane Rizzoli.

******_Well, you stood there with me in the doorway_**  
 **_My hands shake, I’m not usually this way_**  
 **_But, you pull me in and I’m a little more free_**  
 **_It’s the first kiss, it’s flawless, really something_**

It had been five days since our first date and we had already been out twice since then, and still no kiss.  But tonight, it would happen, no matter what.  I would make sure I got what I wanted.  
  
It was New Year’s Eve, and I realized, as I thought about it, I had never actually had a New Years kiss.  The last couple years had been spent celebrating with Jane and her family, and before that, I was always asked to attend one of my parents’ parties.  Most people there were either married or completely drunk by midnight, so a kiss was out of the question.  
  
But this year, Jane and I would be alone, celebrating at my house.  I had been preparing all day, making food, renting movies, and picking out the perfect outfit.  And tonight, it would happen.  
  
Just before six o’clock, I heard Jane open the door and call out to me.  I checked my appearance once last time before heading downstairs to meet her.  
  
Seven hours later, Jane was pulling me outside saying she wanted to ring in the New Year under the stars.  I could still here the faint sounds of the Times Square countdown playing on the TV inside.  The snow began to fall slowly around us as she pulled me into a hug and began whispering in my ear.  
  
“Ten.  Nine.  Eight.  Seven.”  
  
I could feel her heartbeat against my chest and savored the moment of being in her arms, certain nothing else would ever feel quite like this moment did.  
  
“Six.  Five.  Four.  Three.”  
  
I slowly pulled back from her embrace and looked into her eyes, wanting to show her how happy I felt in this moment.  
  
“Two.  One.”  
  
She closed the distance and captured my lips with her own.  It was soft and sweet and gentle and perfect.  
  
Jane was right, good things did come to those who wait.

**_It’s fearless_ **


	4. I'm Only Me When I'm With You

“I’m Only Me When I’m With You”  
 _June 2009_

****_Friday night beneath the stars  
In a field behind your yard  
You and I are painting pictures in the sky_   


  
It was hard to believe how much had changed in the past six months.  Yet, as I thought about it, not much had really changed at all.  I still spent all my time with Maura, I still allowed her to drag me to yoga and even went to a zumba class with her once.  We still had our Sunday family dinners and occasionally slept over at each other’s houses.  
  
There was just more kissing now.  And usually less clothing involved.  
  
It was a typical Friday night.  We had gotten in the routine a couple months ago and it had just stuck.  Every week, I would pick up a movie and dinner on my way to Maura’s after work, and after the movie ended, we would end up in her back yard, lying in the grass staring at the stars as we did on our first date.  Typically we would end up in some kind of deep conversation, but sometimes we would also just lay there in silence, enjoying each other’s company, until we were nearly asleep, and then retire to the bedroom for the rest of the evening.  
  
Tonight was one of those nights when we fell into a comfortable silence, Maura lying flat on her back, as I made myself comfortable laying on mine with my head resting on Maura’s stomach, my feet hanging off the edge of the blanket.  All of a sudden, I was struck with a feeling of insecurity, a look of panic gracing my face momentarily.  I quickly lifted my head to look Maura in the eye before I spoke.  
  
“You know I love you, right?”  
  
“What?  Of course I know that.”  
  
“I just worry sometimes that I don’t tell you enough.”  
  
“You tell me plenty, Jane.  Don’t worry.  I know how you feel.  Don’t you know I can read your mind by now?”  
  
A grin broke out on her face and I couldn’t suppress my laughter.  
  
“Well, what do you know, Dr. Isles learned how to tell a joke.”  
  
I returned to my previous position, feeling more confident than before.  Folding my hands on top of my stomach, I closed my eyes and let out a sigh of content.  After a moment or two, I felt Maura’s fingers in my hair, playing with my curls.  Her voice was so soft, barely a whisper and I almost didn’t hear her.  
  
“I love you too, Jane.” 

**_And sometimes we don’t say a thing  
Just listen to the crickets sing  
Everything I need is right here by my side_ **

  
Never before had I truly understood that phrase “comfortable silence.”  Not that there had ever really been much silence.  Growing up, someone was always yelling about something, usually it was Ma yelling at Tommy or Frankie for making a mess in the house.  But it was always something.  
  
Work was rarely quiet either, even if they didn’t have a case to work on and were just sitting at their desks doing paperwork, someone was always pulling a prank on another detective or procrastinating by telling stories of their more interesting suspect take downs.  
  
None of the guys I had dated ever really went past the first couple dates, so they were always filled with small talk as they would try to get to know me.  When they weren’t talking, comfortable would never be the word I would use to describe the silence.  More like awkward and tense.  
  
But with Maura, it was always different.  We could just be with each other.  There was no need to talk, we already knew most everything about each other.  We work together, so even filling the other in on how our day was didn’t take long.   
  
I began to appreciate the silence.  It proves just how wonderful we are together.  How perfect we are for each other.  I could simply be with her.  That was something I have never experienced before.

  
****_And I know everything about you  
I don’t want to live without you_   
****_I’m only up if you’re not down  
Don’t want to fly if you’re still on the ground  
It’s like no matter what I do_   


  
_It was nearly one in the afternoon and I was starting to get worried about Maura.  She was supposed to come up and meet me for lunch twenty minutes ago and still, she isn’t here.  I sent her a text a few minutes ago asking if she was on her way, and got no response._   
  
_I started to get the sense that something was wrong.  She was never this late.  At least, not without letting me know first.  Something must have happened._   
  
_Without a word, I rushed to the elevator and pushed the button to take me down to the morgue.  It seemed to be moving much more slowly than usual.  But maybe I was just being impatient._   
  
_“Have you seen Maura?”  I asked Susie as I passed her in the hall._   
  
_“Last I saw she was in her office.”_   
  
_I nodded as a thank you and made my way down the hall toward the doctor’s office.  Seeing that the door was closed, I didn’t hesitate before flinging the door open.  The sight before me caused me to stop dead in my tracks.  The blonde was on her couch, knees pulled to her chest, head resting on her knees.  Though without even looking at her, I could tell she was crying._   
  
_Once I regained my ability to move, I rushed to her side and pulled her into my arms.  I had no idea why she was so upset, but I was really hoping it was nothing I did._   
  
_“What’s wrong, baby?”_   
  
_Apparently that was the wrong thing to say.  Without a word, Maura began to cry even harder.  Not knowing what to do at this point, I continued to hold her and ran my fingers through her hair.  After a few minutes, she finally began to calm down and eventually pulled away to look me in the eye._   
  
_“I’m sorry, Jane.  I missed our lunch, didn’t I?”_   
  
_“Don’t worry about that.  I just want you to feel better.  Do you want to talk about it?”_   
  
_I couldn’t help but feel disappointed when she shook her head, then laid it on my shoulder once again.  Even though I wanted to know what had reduced the beautiful woman to tears, I fought every urge to ask again.  Apparently whatever it was, she didn’t want me to know.  I would just have to deal with that until she was ready.  I just hope she knows she can trust me and that she can count on me to be there for her._   
  
_“I love you, Maur.”_   
  
_“I love you too, Jane.”_

**_You drive me crazy half the time_  
The other half I’m only trying to let you know  
That what I feel is true  
And I’m only me when I’m with you**

  
_“Come on, Maura!  Just say it.  Cause of death is…?”_   
  
_I paced around the morgue a bit faster than normal.  This woman was driving me crazy.  No, beyond crazy.  It has been a very long week.  I’m pretty sure I haven’t gotten more than three hours of sleep in at least six days and I was supposed to be home by now._   
  
_And then someone had to go and dump a body in a lake._   
  
_“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you.  This is a scientific process that cannot be rushed!  You cannot and will not convince me, no matter how hard you may try, using whatever means you feel necessary, to guess, hypothesize or use my intestines.”_   
  
_“Can you just hurry up?  I can’t really do anything else until you give me something to work with.”_   
  
_If looks could kill.  I took the hint and walked toward her office, muttering under my breath, praying she wouldn’t hear me, or else I knew I would be paying for it later._   
  
_I plopped myself down on her couch and closed my eyes.  The next thing I knew, I was feeling even more irritated at being awakened from a particularly pleasant dream about the blonde in the next room.  Until I realized it was the blonde doing the waking, that is._   
  
_Before Maura could even respond, I had pulled her on top of me and captured her in a kiss, refusing to let her out of my grasp when I felt her start to pull away.  Eventually though, the lack of oxygen made parting from the her necessary and I couldn’t help but grin at her._   
  
_“Morning.”_   
  
_“Jane, it’s 6:23pm.  Not morning.”_   
  
_“Well, evening then.  Now come back down here, I wasn’t done.”_   
  
_“What happened to ‘Can’t you just hurry up?’  Besides, I thought you were mad at me.  Now you can’t keep your hands off me.  You’re a very complicated person, Detective.”_   
  
_“Aw, Maura, you know I’m not mad at you.  I just get cranky when I’m tired._   
  
_“Oh, well if you’re not angry with me, I guess you don’t want to have make-up sex tonight.”_   
  
_There were few times that I was rendered speechless.  This was one of those times.  No matter how well I had come to know the blonde, she still found ways to take me completely by surprise.  Of all the things I had imagined her to say that was not one of them.  Without a word, I pulled her up and began dragging her out of her office and headed for the elevator._   
  
_“Honestly, Jane.  You are so hot and cold tonight!”_   
  
_“Yeah, but you’re just hot.  So let’s go home.”_   
  
_A smug look graced my face when I spotted the blush creeping up her cheeks.  This guy would still be dead tomorrow, so really, what was the rush?  Maura must have showered and changed before she woke me, because she seemed to be ready to leave._   
  
_“It was a suicide.  Unless you’ve already forgotten about the dead man?”_   
  
_“I didn’t forget.  I just have other priorities.”_   
  
_Suicide.  Even better.  That means, unless another body should turn up, we can have the day off tomorrow.  Still grinning, I pulled Maura into the elevator and wrapped my arms around her waist, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss._

**_I don’t try to hide my tears  
My secrets or my deepest fears  
Through it all, nobody gets me like you do_ **

  
I never pictured myself to be the marrying type.  I have seen the way the life of a cop can tear families apart.  Wives were constantly worried about their husbands and no matter how much they insist it doesn’t bother them in the beginning, eventually, the resentment sets in.  
  
The long nights, the risk of getting shot or stabbed or kidnapped or whatever else, it all gets to be too much.  Eventually it comes down to a choice.  Them or the job.  
  
And I was not willing to give up this job for anything or anyone.  Or so I thought.  
  
It was a few weeks after our six-month anniversary that I realized I would give it all up for Maura.  Maybe it was because I knew she would never ask.  She would never expect me to quit my job for her, she accepted that it is who I am and she would never try and change me.  
  
Maybe that was what made me want to change.  
  
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hanging up my badge any time soon, but it surprised me to realize that I would even consider it.  Never before had I cared about anyone enough to even entertain the idea.  
  
But even just in the last few months, I found myself becoming more careful.  More willing to accept backup.  More hesitation before bursting in on the scene.   
  
And there was no other reason than to make sure I was able to come home to her.  
  
And that’s when I knew it.  
  
One day, however far in the future, I am going to marry that girl.

**_And you know everything about me  
You say that you can’t live without me_ **

  
_“You know what I love about you?”_   
  
_The question caught me by surprise and I couldn’t help but smile and respond with “Oh, everything, I would assume.”_   
  
_That one got me a smack on the arm._   
  
_“Here I am, trying to be serious, trying to give you a compliment, and you make it into a joke.  What am I going to do with you, Jane?”_   
  
_“I can think of several things.”_   
  
_Another smack._   
  
_When did she get so abusive?_   
  
_“Okay, okay.  I will be serious.  What do you love about me?”_   
  
_“That I’m the only one who gets this part of you.  The part that isn’t a always a badass cop chasing down criminals.  You’re different with me.  Softer.  Kinder.  Gentler.  You’re an amazing person, Jane.  I’m happy you let me see that.”_

**_When I’m with anybody else, it’s so hard to be myself_ **

  
Only for you, Maura.

**_I’m only me when I’m with you_ **


	5. Breathe

“Breathe”  
 _October 2012_

******_I see your face in my mind as I drive away_**  
 **_Cause none of us thought it was going to end that way_**  
 **_People are people and sometimes we change our minds_**  
 **_But it’s killing me to see you go after all this time_**

  
Walking away from her was the hardest thing I had ever done.  I always knew the day would come eventually.  I knew it when I fell in love with Jane.  I knew it when I told he how I felt.  I knew it on our first date.  And I knew it when she proposed.  
  
And still, I wouldn’t change any of our time together.  
  
No matter what happens, where we go from here, if I ever even see her again, I still wouldn’t trade what we had.  Sure, we could have gone on being friends for the rest of their lives, but then we would have missed out on two years of the best memories I have ever made.  
  
I try my best not to regret the choices I’ve made.  Especially the ones that led to me having to walk away from Jane.  But what’s done is done, so what good will it do?  
  
I never thought I would be that girl.  The one who drinks too much and makes a decision that affects the course of the rest of her life.  But I am.    
  
Sometimes I would forget.  I could spend the day in Jane’s arms doing nothing in particular and she would make me forget all about my past, my mistakes.  She could make me forget about everything except her, no one and nothing else existed.  
  
I miss that.

 

******_Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie_**  
 **_It’s the kind of ending you don’t really want to see_**  
 **_Cause it’s tragedy and it will only bring you down_**  
 **_Now I don’t know what to be without you around_**

  
It had been a long time since I had slept through the night.  Not many nights after I left her behind, the nightmares set in.  It was different every night, but it always ended the same way.  
  
It always started off happy.  Most were simple, everyday moments.  The kind you would overlook most days, the moments where we just sat and watched a movie, or we made dinner together or that time she took me ice skating.  But those were the moments that made me happiest.  
  
But they always ended the same.  
  
They ended with Jane in danger.  Jane being kidnapped.  Jane being killed.  I almost cry just thinking about it.  They are the kind of nightmares that shake you to your core, when you wake up sweating and screaming, then lay awake for hours, unable to get them off your mind.  
  
They came most nights now.  I would be incredibly happy, then he started to invade my happy, perfect life with Jane.  He worked his way into my thoughts, into my life and he took her from me.  He always took her.  
  
The nightmares only proved that I did the right thing by leaving Jane behind.

 

**_And we know it’s never simple, never easy  
Never a clean break, no one here to save me  
You’re the only thing I knew like the back of my hand_ **

  
I wish it didn’t have to be this way.  I wish I could change so many things, that my life didn’t have to turn out this way.  But being alone was the only way to keep everyone else safe.  Because I’m not safe.  
  
Every day I wish that he didn’t have this control over my life.  I should be able to love whom I want and be with whom I want without worrying about him finding out.  But I do.  And now I have to live without Jane.  I feel the tears threatening to fall from my eyes.  Maybe one day I will be able to think about her without wanting to curl up in a ball in bed with a pint of ice cream.  
  
The thought of what Jane would say if she saw me eating ice cream was almost enough to make me laugh.   
  
But this is who I am now.  Reduced to a teenage cliché, crying over losing the love of my life watching depressing chick flicks and eating junk food.  Jane would have never believed it.  
  
Sometimes I wonder if life without her is even worth it.  
  
She was the only one who had ever truly loved me for who I am.  The only one who wasn’t using me or wasn’t with me just for my looks or my status.  Jane loved me for me.  
  
And she was the only one who I ever really loved.  Sure, I had thought I was in love with Ian.  Or even with Garrett.  But that was before I knew what love really was.  Before Jane showed me what love really was.  
  
And she was so different from my usual type.  
  
 _And by usual, you mean not a criminal, right?_  
  
I couldn’t help sighing to myself.  Finding out that Garrett was a murderer was bad enough.  Then Ian too.  Not to mention Richard.  I was starting to think I would never fall for anyone without a rap sheet.  Then Jane happened.  
  
Jane made me forget about everyone in my past.  Everyone except Richard, anyway, because he was always there, in the back of my mind, tainting every crevice of my life.  

 

  
******_And I can’t breathe without you  
But I have to breathe without you_**  
 **_But I have to_**

  
There are still days when I can’t make it out of bed.  Today was one of those days.  I hear the phone ringing, but I can’t be bothered to cross the room to retrieve it from the charger.  The phone didn’t ring again, but a few moments later I heard the familiar ping announcing that I had a voicemail.  Ignoring my curiosity, I threw the blankets back over my head and willed myself to fall asleep again.  
  
A few hours later, the sunlight streaming in through the windows brought me out of my dream.  For once, there was no nightmare.   Just happy times with Jane and this time, there was no bitter ending.  
  
 _“Though waking up was more like a nightmare this time.”_  
  
I drug myself out of bed and into the shower, turning the hot water as far up as it would go, I took comfort in the heat as it hit my back.  I didn’t move until I felt the water begin to cool, I sighed and quickly washed my hair before the water became ice cold.  
  
As I did every time I had one of these days, I threw on Jane’s old BPD sweatshirt and didn’t even bother brushing my hair.  Shuffling down the hall, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and a couple aspirin from the cabinet.  It was going to be a long day.  
  
Suddenly I remembered the phone call from earlier this morning and went back to my room to listen to the voicemail.  Not recognizing the number, I figured it was something to do with work, even though I told my secretary this morning that I wouldn’t be in today.  
  
 _“Hello, Doctor Isles, I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but this morning a man was found murdered in central park.  We believe him to be your husband.  I am calling to ask you to please come down to the police station to identify him as soon as possible.  Sorry again to have to be the one to let you know.”_  
  
My heart stopped.  He was…dead?  Maybe it was a mistake.  People made mistakes all the time.  He couldn’t really be dead, could he?  Only one way to find out, I thought, and grabbed my purse before heading down to the station.  
  
“That’s him.  That’s Richard.”  
  
He really was dead.  I couldn’t help but feel the smallest ray of hope.  Maybe things would change now.  He no longer had any power over me.  He was dead.  
  
Sure, it was probably wrong to be happy about someone dying, but after the hell he put me through?  It couldn’t be all that wrong.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say that he deserved it.  Did anyone deserve that?  No, definitely not, no matter how horrible they were.  
  
But maybe now that I didn’t have to worry about him showing up uninvited, maybe Jane and I could have our chance to be together.  To get married.  To have the future with her that I always wanted.  
  
“If she will take you back,” I muttered under my breath.  
  
And why would she?  I broke her heart.  I left her without any explanation after she gave me everything.  Why would she risk putting herself through that again?  
  
I couldn’t help but think about that day.  The day I would never forget, all because of the night I would never remember.  
  
 _When I woke up, the smell of alcohol still filled the air and it felt like it was suffocating me.  Or maybe that was the arm that was slung across waist.  Whose arm is that anyway?_  
  
 _I squinted at the bright sunlight streaming in through the window as I struggled to make sense of my surroundings.  A hotel room?  But not my hotel room.  My hotel room was much nicer than this one, I’m sure of it.  So whose hotel room is this?_  
  
 _I made my way to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face trying to remember if I had ever felt quite this hung-over.  I glanced up at my reflection and began choking on the air around me._  
  
 _“Why is there a ring on my finger?  On my LEFT HAND.”_  
  
 _Oh God.  This could not be happening.  I did not get married.  I did not get married.  I did not get married._  
  
 _I crept back into the room and got a look at the man lying in the bed.  He was attractive, sure.  But it was not anyone who looked the least bit familiar._  
  
 _Oh.  My.  God.  I married a stranger._  
  
 _“Hey babe, coming back to bed?”_  
  
 _I hadn’t even noticed he had woken up.  No, I was certainly not coming back to bed.  Without a word, I got dressed and left the room._

 

******_Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt_**  
 **_Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve_**  
 **_People are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out_**  
 **_And nothing we say is going to save us from the fallout_**

  
After I left she called me.  She called me probably a hundred times.  Never once did I pick up.  I saved every message though, just to hear her voice.    
  
 _“Maura, please pick up.  Please.  I just want to talk to you.  Please.  I don’t understand this.  We were happy, weren’t we?  I thought we were.  I was happy.  I’m sorry if I pushed you.  I’m sorry if it was too soon or you weren’t ready. We don’t have to get married.  We can just leave things the way they were, it’s fine.  Just please come back.”_  
  
 _“I miss you.  I miss you a lot.  Every second of everyday of the rest of my life, I’m going to be missing you.  Can you just please come home?”_  
  
 _“Did you just not love me?  You said you did.  And you said you couldn’t lie.  So I never thought to not believe you.  But maybe you just didn’t love me enough to be with me.”_  
  
  
 _“I didn’t mean that, baby.  I know you loved me.  I know you wouldn’t lie to me.  I just don’t understand why you left.  And I miss you.  Please come home.”_  
  
There were tons more.  A few times I almost called her back.  Especially when she asked if I ever really loved her.  Of course I did!  I still do.  I will love her until my last breath.  Always.

 

**_It’s 2am, feeling like I just lost a friend  
I hope you know it’s not easy, easy for me_ **

  
I just want her to be happy, no matter how bad it makes me feel.

 

**_I’m sorry_ **


	6. Mine

 

“Mine”  
 _December 2008_

**_You were in college working part time waiting tables_   
_Left a small town, never looked back_   
_I was a flight risk, with a fear of falling_   
** _Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts_

  
I stood in front of the sink in my kitchen and stared out into the blizzard that was just starting to make it’s way to Boston.  The fact that it was three in the morning didn’t seem to have much affect on me, I hadn’t been able to get even a moment of sleep and I had no idea why.  It had been a long week at work and I spent many sleepless nights at the station trying to figure out who killed the man and woman found near the park Monday morning.  But finally, we caught a break yesterday and caught the guy.  Turns out it was the wife’s ex.  
  
The things jealousies made some people do would forever astound me.  
  
But why am I still not sleeping?  
  
Normally I would have come home and barely made it to the bed before crashing into a good twelve or thirteen hours of sleep.  But tonight, the sleep just wouldn’t come.  
  
Before I could consider it any more, a knock at the door caused me to jump and nearly drop the glass of water I’d been holding.  Who on earth could be here at this time of night?  
  
I was barely surprised when I saw Maura standing on the other side of the door, hair pulled back in a bun, clad in sweats and still looking like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.  
  
“Maura!  What are you doing here so late?”  
  
I held the door open for her and she marched in and stood in front of the couch.  I followed her over and sat in front of her and patted the seat next to me.  She quickly shook her head and it was then that I noticed the look on her face.  She didn’t look quite upset.  But she did look scared, and at the same time, determined.  
  
“Ugh, Maur, are you going to say anything?  You’re kind of starting to freak me out.”  
  
“I think, no, I’m pretty sure, that I’m falling in love with you.  I’m pretty sure I have been for a long time, and I just can’t ignore it anymore.  So I came here to ask you to dinner.”  
  
“You drove all the way over here at 3AM to ask me out?”  I desperately wished I could say something a bit more eloquent than that, but I was having a little trouble forming any kind of words at the moment, let alone the right ones.  Maura liked me?  In a romantic way?  How was that possible?  
  
And how did I not see that one coming?  I’m supposed to be a detective, right?  But that one threw me.  
  
“I- I couldn’t sleep.  Couldn’t stop thinking about you and I just…I wanted to say it before I lost my nerve.”  
  
I honestly had no idea what to say.  It wasn’t like I hadn’t thought about it before.  I mean, the first thing I ever thought when I saw her was I couldn’t believe someone so beautiful was even allowed to exist.  But then we became friends.  Best friends.  She worked her way into my life and now, I couldn’t imagine life without her.   
  
What if something went wrong?  What if one day, she decided she was tired of me?  Or she didn’t love me as much as she thought she did?  What would I do then?  
  
I needed time to think about this.  I had to decide if this was worth the risk.  
  
“Maura, I- I need some time.”  
  
“Oh.  Okay.  Time.  I can do that.  Take all the time you need.  I’ll just…I’ll wait.”  
  
She smiled at me, but I could see the way her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes, the eyes were a sudden panic had taken over.  I felt horrible that I couldn’t give her what she wanted right now.  But I couldn’t just jump into this, could I?  
  
Before I could say anything else though, she was out the door.  I sighed and made my way back to my bed, throwing myself down with a loud groan.  
  
No, I wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight.

 

**_I say, can you believe it_   
_As we’re lying on the couch_   
_The moment I can see it_   
** _I can see it now_

  
Laying here with her, I can’t believe I ever had a second of doubt.  Of course we would be perfect together.  We were perfect together as best friends, why wouldn’t it translate into a relationship?  
  
And really, was it all that different now?  We did everything as we did before; there were just all these new feelings involved.  When she touched me before, my heart never started racing, my palms didn’t get all sweaty, I didn’t get goose bumps, but now, all these things happened all the time.  She didn’t even have to touch me, even when she was just in the same room; she had this effect on me.  
  
And now, laying here on the couch with her in my arms, watching her as she sleeps with her head on my chest, I can’t even remember how it felt to not be this completely and utterly happy.  
  
It didn’t take long before the guys started giving me crap for “being so smiley all the time” and the jokes were never ending, but I could deal with them if it meant I got to end the day here, like this, with her.  Besides, they stopped complaining so much when I starting brining them coffee most mornings.  They especially stopped complaining when Maura invited all of them to go to the Celtics game they were going to in a few weeks.  
  
I realized I was grinning again.  I have been doing that a lot lately, thanks entirely to the woman currently lying on top of me.  Why in the world she chose to love me when she could have anyone in the world, I will never know.

 

**_Do you remember we were sitting there by the water_   
_You put your arm around me for the first time_   
_You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter_   
** _You are the best thing that’s ever been mine_

  
I never told anyone how much my parent’s divorce affected me.  Not even Maura.  It wasn’t something I liked to even think about, let alone talk about.   
  
But it killed me.  
  
I had always admired my dad.  Growing up, he was my hero.  I had always been a daddy’s girl, Ma says even in the hospital I would cry and cry until he picked me up.  That never changed over the years, he was always the strong and silent type and even though I loved my mother, she was a bit overbearing sometimes.  That was one word I never would have used to describe him, and that’s exactly why I loved him.  
  
He let me be while still showing how much he loved me.  
  
But then he left.  
  
He didn’t just leave Ma; he left us too.  Neither Frankie or Tommy or I had heard a word from him since he left a year ago.  Is this how he showed how much he loved us?  By proving that people who love you eventually leave you?  
  
At least I didn’t have to worry about that with Maura.

 

**_Flash forward and we’re taking on the world together_   
_And there’s a drawer of my things at your place_   
_You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded_   
** _You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes_

  
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”  
  
I fight the urge to roll my eyes and attempt to smile at her instead.  Of course Maura would think that me doing something nice for her, something that was completely and totally my idea, would be an inconvenience for me.  
  
“It was my idea, remember?  Besides, you used to leave stuff here all the time and it wasn’t a big deal.  Why is it suddenly a big deal just because I’m giving you a place to put that stuff?”  
  
I could tell she was touched by my gesture and even though I didn’t think it was a big deal,  I knew why it was to her.  However small it was, it was a sign that I wasn’t going anywhere, that I was going to stick by her no matter what, and I knew that meant the world to her.  
  
So yeah, she could have a drawer.  
  
She could have the whole damn apartment if she wanted, as long as I got to see that smile on her face.

 

**_When it was hard to take  
This is what I thought about_ **

  
I never expected to miss her so much so soon.  We had only been dating for a few weeks, and already I could barely stand the few hours that went between my trips down to the morgue or our lunch dates or the times she came to drop off test results.  Nights without her were nearly unbearable, though luckily they were few and far between.  
  
But this weekend, Maura was out of town at some conference about something or other.  I’m sure she told me, but all I really heard was “going to be gone for three days.”  
  
And here I am, staring at my phone, waiting for her to call, staring at that picture she took of us last week at the Celtics game.  She got all decked out in Celtic green and she just looked so adorable.  I could stare at that picture all day and firmly believed that she could never look more beautiful.  Unless she was decked out in Red Sox gear, maybe.  But springtime would come soon enough.  
  
I smiled when a different picture of Maura popped up on the screen signaling that she was calling.  
  
 _Somehow she always knows just when I need her the most._

 

**_I remember that fight, 2:30 am_   
_As everything was slipping right out of our hands_   
_I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street_   
_Braced myself for the goodbye_   
_Cause that’s all I’ve ever known_   
_Then you took me by surprise_   
** _You said I’ll never leave you alone_

  
“I can’t believe you would accuse me of lying to you!  Me!  You know very well that I can’t lie, Jane.”  
  
“But you’re excellent and bending the truth, aren’t you, Maura?  Giving me just enough information to satisfy me, but not enough to tell me what you’ve actually been up to.”  
  
“Why do you assume I am even up to anything?”  
  
  
“Um, how about because you haven’t answered your phone all day, you said you couldn’t work because you were sick, which you obviously aren’t, you won’t tell me where you were.  What am I supposed to think?”  
  
“You are supposed to believe me when I say that I was doing nothing I shouldn’t have been and leave it alone!”  
  
“How can I believe you when you don’t give me anything worth believing?”  
  
At that I walked out and slammed the door behind me.  I knew I was probably over reacting, but I had been worried about her, damn it!  And if it was really no big deal, why was she hiding it from me?  Didn’t she trust me?  
  
“Jane!  Jane!  Come back!  Please!  At least slow down, I’m in heels!”  
  
Something in her voice made me stop, but I didn’t turn toward her.  She would have to come the rest of the way, I wasn’t giving in that easy.  
  
“I’m sorry.  I really am.  I just didn’t tell you because it wasn’t a big deal.  I went to see my parents in New York.  I just had a little business to take care of.  Honestly, it’s nothing.  Jane, I love you.  I wouldn’t lie to you.”  
  
Even though I was still mad, even though I still wanted to know what it was she was doing with her parents, something in her eyes told me that even though she didn’t want to talk about it, she was telling the truth.  About her parents, and about loving me.  And that would have to be enough, for now.  
  
“Promise?”  
  
“Promise.”

 

**_You said, I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter  
She is the best thing that’s ever been mine_ **


	7. Our Song

“Our Song”  
 _April 2009_

**_I was riding shot gun with my hair undone_  
** In the front seat of his car  
He’s got a one hand feel on the steering wheel  
The other on my heart  


  
Spring was my favorite season.  It always had been.  There was something about the way the air smelled after the first spring rain, the grass looked a little greener, the trees a little fuller, flowers began popping up in the yard.  You couldn’t help but feel hopeful in the springtime, like everything could get better, like all your problems could melt away with the snow.  
  
Every year, the day after that first rain, I would walk down the street to the park and watch the kids play on the playground for the first time in months, couples would walk hand in hand around the walking path, dogs would be splashing in the mud as their owners tried to keep them clean.  This year was no exception; it was nice to have that time to just reflect on life, taking the good with the bad.  
  
“What’s a beautiful lady like you doing out here all by herself?”  
  
I smiled as I felt her strong arms circle around me from behind and I leaned into her feeling her rest her head on my shoulder.  
  
“Just waiting for my knight in shining armor to come save me from the loneliness.”  
  
I took the cup of coffee from her hand and brought it to my lips, instantly feeling a couple degrees warmer.  Even though it was April, there was still a lingering chill in the air and I had been optimistic to not grab a jacket when we left the house.  Luckily, between the coffee and Jane’s arms, I didn’t really notice the cold.  
  
She lifted her head to place a kiss to my neck and I took that chance to turn in her arms and locked my fingers together around her neck.  I couldn’t help but smile at her.  Here she was, hair flowing wild in the slight wind, cheeks rosy from the chill, a simple tshirt and jeans on with her favorite boots, and I would swear that there was no more beautiful sight in the world.  
  
Before I could make a move her lips were on mine and I felt myself let out a moan from the contact.  Now I was definitely starting to warm up.  I broke from her long enough to toss the empty cup in the trashcan, then was back in her arms, my lips moving to cover hers instantly.  After a few moments, I was forced to break away again to catch my breath and when I did, she pulled me into the tightest hug she could manage and I felt her lips on my neck once again.  
  
“Jane?” I whispered, my voice huskier than normal, I was barely able to hide my arousal.  
  
“Maura?” she whispered back in the same tone, then it was back to kissing my neck.  
  
“Take me home.”

**_I look around, turn the radio down_  
** He says, baby, is something wrong?  
I say nothing, I was just thinking  
How we don’t have a song 

  
I was just putting the finishing touches on dinner when I heard the key turn in the lock on the front door.  Instantly I heard the pattering of tiny toenails on the floor and it was mere seconds before the tiny dog was at my feet, laying on the floor on her back, begging for a belly rub.  I wasted no time in giving the canine what she desired.  
  
“Is that how it is now?  Four months together and the dog already gets dibs on your attention?”  
  
She feigned annoyance, crossing her arms and letting out a deep sigh, she leaned down to look Jo in the eye.  “She’s mine, buddy.  Go play with Bass.”  
  
“Jane, you know very well that Bass doesn’t play, he’s a –“  
  
But that was once sentence I would never get to finish, not that I ever minded too much when Jane used her favorite way of silencing me.  
  
“Now, would you rather pet the dog or kiss me?”  
  
“Do you really need to ask?”  
  
Before she could respond, I was kissing her again, all thoughts of dinner were forgotten.  I felt her back me into the counter behind me and, with her hands on my hips she lifted me up.  Once I was securely on the counter, I wrapped my legs around her waist and my head rolled back as she attacked my neck with kisses.  
  
Before I knew it, she has removed my shirt with one quick movement and began to move lower, hands roaming my back, lips roaming my front.  I felt a moan escape and could feel her smile against my chest in response.  With one more flick of the wrist, my bra was off and I felt her hands take its place.  
  
“Maur, you’re so beautiful.”  
  
It was barely more than a whisper, but it made my heart melt.  Before Jane, I was never one for making love.  Even with Ian and Garrett, it was never much more than sex.  But with Jane, it was so much different.  She always took the time to make me feel safe and loved, like I was the only woman in the world, and that meant everything to me.  
  
Jane continued to pepper my stomach with kisses as she moved lower and lower.  I felt her lift me up again and she pulled on my skirt and panties and they fell to the floor beneath us.  She slowly lowered herself to her knees and began kissing the inside of my thighs, teasing me before finally landing on my center.  
  
I knew it wouldn’t take long, I was already past the point of being aroused, quite certain that I was nearly as wet as I had ever been.  Something about having her take me anywhere but the bedroom was just so sexy.  
  
Just as I thought, it only took a few minutes of Jane’s tongue flicking in and out of me and I could feel myself go over the edge.  My legs locked around her shoulders as I felt my body shake with tremors.  When I finally came down from my high, she unwrapped herself from me and stood, kissing my neck once more.  I felt her say something against my skin that sounded a lot like “How’s that for getting your attention?”  
  
Oh, she had my attention.

**_Our song is the way you laugh  
The first date, man, I didn’t kiss her  
And I should have_ **

  
It had been a slow week at work, with only two autopsies in the last six days.  It seemed like some sort of miracle.  Unfortunately, that also meant that there was nothing to do except paperwork and finish up a few articles for a couple medical journals.  Not that it was boring, but it definitely wasn’t as interesting as actually cutting into a body.  
  
I walked into my office at eight sharp and sat at my desk, staring at the pile of folders siting next to me.  No time like the present, I thought, and grabbed the one from the top.  
  
Apparently I lost track of time because the next thing I knew, Jane was walking in carrying two bags and two fresh coffees.  
  
“Hey Doc, thought you could use some lunch,” she said as she smiled at me, leaning down to give me a quick kiss.  
  
“Now that you mention it, I am getting a little hungry.”  
  
“I figured.  You always forget to eat when you’re working on paperwork.”  
  
She knows me so well.  I looked up and gave her a smile, taking the salad from her.  
  
“Has your day been just as exciting as mine?”  
  
“Oh, even more exciting.  Already got six emails from Korsak containing ‘cute’ animals doing human things,” she replied, using air quotes and all.  
  
“I bet you enjoyed that.”  
  
Our lunch continued in a comfortable silence and it struck me again just how amazing it was to be so happy just being in the same room with her.  We didn’t have to be doing anything special, just two people enjoying time together.  That was something I had never experienced before and I had a feeling it was something I would never get tired of.

  
**_I was walking up the front porch steps_ **   
**_After everything that day_ **   
**_Had gone all wrong, I’d been trampled on  
Been lost and thrown away_ **   


  
“Jane!  Jane!  Come back!  Please!  At least slow down, I’m in heels!”  
  
“I’m sorry.  I really am.  I just didn’t tell you because it wasn’t a big deal.  I went to see my parents in New York.  I just had a little business to take care of.  Honestly, it’s nothing.  Jane, I love you.  I wouldn’t lie to you.”  
  
And I wouldn’t.  I didn’t lie to her.  I had gone to see my parents today.  But she was right; I am excellent at bending the truth.  Leaving out key facts.  But what good would it do?  The whole truth would only hurt her.  And not just upset her.  The whole truth would put her in danger.  
  
“Promise?”  
  
“Promise.”  
  
My parents were the only ones who knew about the terrible mistake I had made in college, and that’s exactly how I would like to keep it.  It wasn’t even because I didn’t want Jane to know, but if she did, she would certainly go after him.  
  
I know Jane and I know she wouldn’t rest until she had found him and made sure he was at least thrown in jail, Richard had done more than enough over the years to land him in a cell for most of the rest of his life.  But it was too risky.  He knew too many people, had too many allies, ones who wouldn’t hesitate to hurt her, and I can’t let that happen.  Not like with Ian.  
  
I thought we had been safe, spending time over in Africa, but as soon as we came back, Richard was at my door.  And just like every other time I had seen him over the last ten years, the first thing out of my mouth was “Are you ready to divorce me now?”  
  
And as always, he just smiled and laughed.  
  
 _“I heard you were seeing someone new.  I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this Maura, I don’t appreciate my wife sleeping with other people.”_  
  
 _“I may be married to you, but I am not, nor will I ever be, your wife.”_  
  
 _More laughter.  It’s that mechanical laughter, the kind that gives you a bit of a chill and makes you wonder if, at some point, the person might have escaped from a mental institution._  
  
 _“You might want to give your boyfriend a call.  He might be feeling…a little under the weather.”_  
  
 _My body turned to ice.  In that moment, I had never hated an individual more than I hated this man right now.  “What did you do?”_  
  
 _“Oh nothing, we just had a little chat.  He needed to know he couldn’t just take what is mine.”_  
  
 _“I. Am. Not. Yours.”_  
  
 _“I have a marriage license that says otherwise, dear.  One day, you’ll come around.  One day you’ll love me as much as I love you.”_  
  
 _“You don’t love me!  You love my money!  You have never loved me, it was all some sick game from the start.  All you ever cared about was getting a piece of my fortune.”_  
  
 _“Don’t be silly, Maura, of course I love you.  I’ll be seeing you soon.”_  
  
As soon as he left, I called Ian.  He sounded awful.  The bastard kidnapped him, threatened him, beat him, I’m honestly surprised he didn’t just kill him.  But I guess that would be too easy for Richard.  He always did like a challenge.  
  
But that’s the real reason Ian never stuck around.  It wasn’t that he didn’t love me, or that he loved his work more, when we came back to the States, he planned to stay.  But then Richard happened and as always, Richard scared him off.  Not that I could blame him.  
  
But the truth is, Ian did love me.  That’s why he continued to come around every once in a while.  I know he misses me, but he would never let himself be with me again, not after what happened.  That’s why I never see him for more than three days at a time.  
  
Not that it matters anymore, now that I have Jane.  
  
Oh, Jane.  What am I going to do?  I can’t let him hurt you like he’s hurt everyone else in my life.  I thought it broke me when he hurt Ian, but it would shatter me; kill me, if anything ever happened to you.

**_I’ve heard every album_  
** Listened to the radio  
Waiting for something to come along  
That was as good as our song 

  
As we lay in bed that night, Jane curled around me; I couldn’t help but smile.  She has been through so much in her life, she carries so much of that with her everyday, but when she’s asleep like this, I love to just watch her.  I love to see the tension fade from her face, a soft smile playing on her lips, the steady rise and fall of her chest.  
  
She is my comfort.  My home.  
  
She is the most important thing, and I will do anything to keep her safe.

**_I’m asking God if he could play it again_ **


	8. Last Kiss

“Last Kiss”  
 _January 2011_

**_I still remember that look on your face_ **   
**_Lit through the darkness at 1:58_ **   
**_The words that you whispered were just ours to know_ **   
**_You told me you loved me, so why did you go away?_ **   


  
_I settled back against the pillow out of breath but more satisfied than I’d ever felt.  Maura fell onto my chest and wrapped her arms around me.  Instinctively, I pulled her in closer and ran my fingers through her blonde curls.  The woman always looked gorgeous, but this was my favorite way to see her, stripped down, both literally and figuratively, to nothing more than the core of her being, nothing to distract them, nothing to get in the way, just the two of them lying together feeling more connected than any two had ever felt before._  
  
 _“I love you so much.” I whispered softly, placing a kiss on her forehead._  
  
 _“Jane, you have no idea how much I love you,” she started.  She paused for several minutes and I thought she was done speaking until I heard her again, her silent tears evident in her voice._  
  
 _“My life would be so empty without you.  You make everything better.  You make everything have a purpose.  You are my purpose.”_  
  
 _In the faint moonlight, I could see the tears rolling down her cheeks and I lifted her chin to meet mine, kissing each of her tears before finally placing one on her lips._  
  
 _“Shh, Maur, it’s okay.  I’m here; I’m not going anywhere.  You don’t have to worry.  You don’t have to be alone anymore.”_  
  
 _Though I was trying to console her, it seemed like that only made her crying increase.  I wish I knew how to fix it, but this was one situation I had never found myself in before.  Maura was the first woman I had ever been with, and men, at least the ones I had dated, just didn’t cry like that._  
  
 _I did the only thing I could think of and just held her as tight as I could, still playing with her hair.  Eventually her tears dried and her breathing returned to normal.  Just as I thought she had finally fallen asleep, I heard a faint, “I love you, Jane.”_  
  
I thought of that night often.  Especially now as I felt my hope of ever feeling that happy again faded with each passing day.  I still don’t understand how she could just leave me like that.  
  
It became quite obvious after five days of unreturned phone calls and text messages and no sight of her at work, that Maura wasn’t coming back.  She really was leaving.  She was leaving her job, her home, her friends, her life.  Me.  She was leaving me.  
  
Frost told me today that he overheard her telling one of the other M.E.’s that she had accepted a job with the NYPD.  New York City.  Only four hours away, but it felt more like four light-years.  She didn’t even tell me herself, so she obviously didn’t want me to know.  Meaning she didn’t want me to follow her.  
  
How could she just walk away so easily?  I am falling apart and she’s probably just excited about all the shopping she’s going to get to do when she gets there.  
  
Did she ever even care about me?  
  
Maybe it was all an act.  But why would she do that?  She had to have at least cared a little, right?

  
**_The beat of your heart_ **   
**_It jumps through your shirt_ **   
**_I can still feel your arms_ **   


  
It was the day after Maura left for New York.  I only know this because she had stopped by Homicide to say goodbye to everyone but me yesterday morning, and only because she knew that I was off yesterday.  After Korsak called me and let me know, I sat staring at the door all day long, half of me waiting for her to come to my door and tell me she made a mistake, part of me wishing I could drive the twenty minutes to her house and beg her to stay.  
  
But I didn’t.  
  
What’s that saying?  If you love someone, let them free, and if they come back, they’re yours?  
  
I knew I had to set her free.  I didn’t want to.  It was killing me, but I knew I couldn’t force her to stay.  Maura has a mind of her own and if she wanted to stay, she would stay.  
  
If I was enough for her, she would stay.  
  
But she didn’t.  
  
Did that mean I’m not enough?

  
**_But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes_ **   
**_All that I know is_ **   
**_I don't know how to be something you miss_ **   


  
On the third day after Maura left, I managed to make it out of bed.  Ma kept calling every couple hours, all of which I had ignored so far, and luckily she didn’t decide to use her emergency key to come and check on me.  All I wanted to do was lay in bed alone and cry.  Having Ma here would definitely not help.  I was not ready to start to move on yet.  
  
Moving on meant she wasn’t coming back.  
  
And she had to come back.  
  
But I had gone far too long without a shower, so I forced myself into the bathroom, stripped down and stepped inside.  The warm water felt way too good as it ran down my back.  The last time I had taken a shower in here, it was with her.  
  
As soon as that thought hit me, so did the tears.  After a few minutes, I couldn’t tell what were tears and what was water.  I hurried to wash my hair and got out as fast as I could, dried off quickly and threw my hair into a bun.  Today certainly wasn’t a day to care about my appearance.  
  
I grabbed the first sports bra and underwear I could find, and then threw some running shorts on.  As I was searching for a tank top to add, my eyes hit the sweatshirt in the corner.  Maura had left it here a few weeks ago.  She had been sick for a few days, unable to leave the house but was dying to get some fresh air.  I promised her she could get outside, but only to come over here, then it was back to bed.  
  
The change of scenery did her mind some good and she was feeling much better the next day.  I remember thinking that I had never seen her in a hoodie before and she said she only ever wore this one when she was sick, that something about it comforted her.  
  
I walked over to the sweatshirt and picked it up.  I ran my fingers across the faded ‘BCU’ on the front remembering the story Maura had told me about the only sweatshirt she owned.  
  
Apparently at her school there had been a tradition of going to a party wearing a sweatshirt from whatever college you had chosen.  Though Maura had never been one for going to parties, at least when she was younger, this was one tradition she got excited about and she proudly showed up to that party with her BCU hoodie on.  
  
Thinking I could use a little comfort, I pulled it over my head and instantly felt like I was drowning in Maura’s scent.  It had almost gone from her pillow, I had been laying on it every night since she left, but this was still heavy in the vanilla perfume the doctor wore everyday.  
  
As I flopped into the bed and pulled the blankets up over my head, a new set of tears released themselves from my eyes and I wondered if she missed me as much as I missed her.

  
**_I never thought we'd have a last kiss_ **   
**_Never imagined we'd end like this_ **   
**_Your name, forever the name on my lips_ **   


  
Part of me wishes I had known it would be the last time I would kiss her.  I would have made it last longer.  Hell, I would have never stopped.  I remember it vividly, though, I’m sure I always would.  
  
 _“Marry me, Maura.”_  
  
 _“I…um…what?”_  
  
 _“Marry me.”_  
  
 _She lifted her head off my chest to look at me and I captured her lips with mine trying to make her understand how much she means to me._  
  
 _“Jane…”_  
  
 _“Maura.  It’s a simple question.  I had it all planned out, you know?  I’ve been thinking about it for weeks, had this whole big speech planned, but then I was just laying here staring at you and I thought, this is the perfect moment.  This is exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life, just me and you, well, you know, maybe one day not just me and you.  If you would like that, I mean.  I think it would be nice to have a little mini-you running around here.  Or a mini-me, whatever you want.  I just… I’m sorry.  I’m rambling.  I just wanted you to know how much I love you, and I want to be with you forever.  So marry me.  Marry me, Maura.”_  
  
 _I knew I was saying too much, but her silence was scaring me.  Maybe it wasn’t the right time?  We had only been together two years, but that’s kind of a long time, if you think about it!  And I’ve known I wanted to marry her for more than half that time, so really, I waited a long time._  
  
 _But maybe she’s not ready for this?  She is a little anti-commitment.  But I thought we were different, I thought she would be willing to do this for us.  Maybe I was wrong.  Oh God, I hope I didn’t just mess all this up.  Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes._  
  
 _“Jane, I…I can’t.  I’m sorry.  God, I’m so sorry.  I wish it didn’t have to be this way.  I really do.  I love you.  You know I love you more than anything, but I just can’t.  I’m sorry, I have to go.”_  
  
 _I didn’t feel anything.  I felt totally and completely numb, like I wasn’t even in my body, but watching some horrible horror movie._  
  
 _Maybe this was a nightmare.  Maybe I’m not even awake.  Surely that is the case.  Any minute now I will wake up to Maura holding me, whispering in my ear.  Yes, that was certainly what was going to happen._  
  
 _“What?” I managed to whisper._  
  
 _“Jane, I’m leaving.  I got a job offer.  I’m going to take it.  I’m moving.”_  
  
 _“What?”  I repeated, tears already filling my eyes.  “You’re…what?”_  
  
 _I looked at her expectantly, sure this was some sort of cruel joke, but no explaination came.  She sat there in a stony silence looking anywhere but in my eyes._  
  
 _“I don’t understand.  I thought we were…I thought you were…happy.  I…” I trailed off, unsure of what to say.  My entire world had just been turned upside down, I had no idea where to go from here._  
  
 _Without another word, she got off the couch, put on her jacket and opened the front door._  
  
 _“I’m sorry, Jane.”_  
  
I wish I would have known.  I wish I would have known I would never see her again, I would never touch her again, I would never kiss her or hold her or make love to her ever again.  But I didn’t know and all I want to do is get that back.  
  
All I want is to get her back.

  
**_So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep_ **   
**_And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe_ **   
**_And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are_ **   
**_Hope it's nice where you are_ **   


  
Six months have passed since the worst day of my life.  For the first month, I avoided the morgue like the plague.  I still did, most days, but every once in a while I would walk down and find Susie, just to ask if she had heard from Maura recently.  
  
The two had never exactly been friends, but I know the two emailed quite regularly since Maura had left.  At first Susie had been reluctant to share the updates from her former boss, but once she realized I genuinely just wanted to know if she was doing alright, if she was happy and fitting in well at NYPD, she was more free with the information.  
  
According to her, Maura only ever talked about work, never about her personal life and she was enjoying working there quite a bit.  She said it wasn’t all that different than being here, just different people.  
  
I took that to mean it was better because I wasn’t there.  
  
Maybe she never loved me after all.

  
**_And I hope the sun shines, and it's a beautiful day_ **   
**_And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed_ **   
**_You can plan for a change in weather and time_ **   
**_But I never planned on you changing your mind_ **   


  
It has been a year since Maura left Boston for New York and not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about her.  Some days when I’m at work, deep in concentration at my desk, someone will walk down the hall wearing heels and the sound will make my heart start to race.  For just a moment, I have a brief ray of hope, but the hope is always gone as soon as it arrives when the blonde doesn’t walk through the door.  
  
I wonder if it will always be this way.  If I will never be able to listen to the sound of another woman wearing heels without my heart feeling like it’s breaking into a million pieces.  Hopefully not.  
  
Maybe it’s time to move on.  Go on a date.  Meet some new people.  
  
I’ve already met the love of my life and she’s 200 miles away.  But did that mean I should be alone forever?  She had obviously moved on, she is obviously not coming back, shouldn’t I move on too?  
  
And who knows, maybe I will find someone better suited for me after all.  
  
But deep down, I knew the truth.  Everyone else would always be second best to Maura Isles.

**_Your name, forever the name on my lips_ **


	9. Enchanted

“Enchanted”  
 _September 2007_

**_There I was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles_  
Same old, tired, lonely place  
Walls of insincerity, shifting eyes and vacancies  
Vanished when I saw your face**   


  
It was my second day back in Boston and already I was being forced to attend one of my parents’ charity functions.  I tried to explain to them that I simply wouldn’t have time to go to a party tonight, the boxes have barely been unpacked and I was hoping to have tonight and tomorrow to get settled in before starting work Monday morning.  
  
My parents had other plans.  
  
Not even two minutes into the phone call, mother was already giving me the guilt trip.  
  
“It’s been so long since you’ve been to one of our events, Maura.”  
  
“It would mean so much to have you there since your father and I can’t be there.”  
  
“There will be so many young men there I would love for you to meet.”  
  
In the end, it was just easier to give in and agree to attending.  Not even bothering to buy a new dress, I grabbed my go to LBD from my closet and freshened up my hair and makeup.  Climbing in my Lexus, I sighed wishing I had somewhere better to be going tonight.  
  
Just as I suspected, the party was filled with my parents’ friends and their children, most of whom were married with kids of their own by now, but somehow each couple with a single son seemed to find me and tell me about how “accomplished” their offspring was.  
  
I didn’t really care.  
  
I wasn’t here looking for a husband.  I already had one of those, and look where that got me, sad and alone.  
  
As some accountant and his parents were boring me, a flash of dark black hair caught my eye across the room.  I watched as the brunette introduced a woman to the man next to her, when the two started talking, she slipped away, glancing over her shoulder to see if they noticed.  
  
They hadn’t.  
  
I couldn’t help but smile to myself.  Now this was someone who probably wouldn’t be driving me crazy with their life story and list of accomplishments right now.  
  
I had to meet her.

  
**_All I can say is_ **   
**_It was enchanting to meet you_ **   


  
I caught her eyes as she glanced around the room and she stopped mid-step to look at me.  My heart stopped.  
  
I realized my heart didn’t actually stop or I would, in fact, be dead right now, but something about this girl made my thoughts all jumbled and made me think in hyperbole.  I never did that.  
  
But here I was talking about how my heart stopped beating and how I couldn’t breathe.  
  
And still, she stared.  
  
Luckily, the man I was talking to, though I couldn’t remember his name, seemed to reach the end of his latest story.  I politely excused myself and began walking toward the striking brunette across the room.

**_Your eyes whispered have we met  
Across the room, your silhouette starts to make it’s way to me_ **

  
When she saw me coming she made her way toward me and met me in the middle next two a couple empty tables.  She was even more beautiful up close.  
  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare, you just caught my eye” the girl explained once I was in earshot.  I smiled back and glanced to the floor, suddenly feeling rather nervous.  
  
“It’s okay, I was just watching you at the bar.  Was that your date?”  
  
“Oh, yeah.  My Ma set me up but the guy was a total dud.  Thought I might try and find someone a bit more interesting to talk to.  Or at least take advantage of the open bar.  You up for the challenge?”  
  
“The interesting conversation or taking advantage of the bar?”  
  
She laughed and though I thought it must be impossible, she actually looked even more gorgeous doing so.  
  
“Let’s start with the talking.”

**_The playful conversation starts  
Counter all your quick remarks  
Like passing notes in secrecy_ **

  
“You wanna play a game?” she asked me, eyes lighting up, though I was a little nervous as to exactly what she could be referring to.  
  
“What kind of game?”  
  
“Whenever I get stuck at one of these types of things, I like to watch everyone and try and figure out what their story is.”  
  
“Well that could certainly be interesting.  What about those two?” I suggested, pointing to an older man with a much younger woman on his arm.  
  
“Oh, that’s too easy.  Classic gold-digger.  She wants his money; he wants to be able to say he’s with a woman in her twenties.  Give me a hard one.”  
  
I glanced around the room trying to find the most interesting looking couple.  Finally, I spotted an older woman dressed in a simple black dress and the most ridiculous hat I had ever seen.  Next to her was a man around the same age in a faint pinstripe suit with a boutonniere that matched the woman’s hat.  
  
“Yes!  Now that’s a challenge.  It’s either one of two things.  They could have been married for fifty years and he is just so whipped by now that he doesn’t want to offend her not only by insulting her hat, but refusing to wear that hideous thing pinned to his suit.”  
  
We both laughed and she took a long drink from her beer.  “What’s the other option?”  
  
“He is secretly gay and actually likes that ugly hat.”  
  
We laughed even harder at that comment.  We continued around the room taking turns with each couple we found.  Before we knew it, we had covered nearly everyone in the room and I had barely noticed that it had been over three hours since we started talking and it was now almost midnight.  
  
“Wow, I didn’t realize it had gotten so late.  I should really be going, I have a lot I need to get done tomorrow,” I explained to her, a look of regret on my face.  
  
She returned the sad look and sighed a bit.  “At least let me walk you out.”

**_This night is sparkling, don’t you let it go_  
I’m wonderstruck, blushing all the way home  
I’ll spend forever wondering if you knew  
I was enchanted to meet you**

  
She escorted me to the valet and I handed the young man my ticket.  As he walked away to go find my car, I glanced up at her and she was smiling at me.  
  
“Thank you.  For saving my evening.  I was right, I did find someone much more interesting to talk to.”  
  
I blushed at her comment and twirled my ring around my finger.  “You know, you never told me your name.”  
  
“Isn’t it more fun this way, though?  It’s like our own little fairytale.  You can be Cinderella, you’re much more girly than me.  I’ll be the prince.”  
  
“But if you gave me your number, we could do this again sometime.”  
  
“If it’s meant to be, we will find each other.”  
  
With that, she gave me one last smile and walked back into the party and I got in my car.  I had no idea who she was, but I did know I wouldn’t be forgetting about her any time soon.

**_The lingering question kept me up  
Two AM, who do you love  
I wonder till I’m wide awake_ **

  
Lying in bed that night, I was wide-awake.  I knew I needed to get some rest or I would never be able to finish unpacking and getting settled in before work on Monday, but sleep just would not come.  
  
I couldn’t get my mind off the mystery woman.  
  
Part of me had wanted to follow her back into that party, if I was never going to see her again, I wanted it to last a little longer, but I wasn’t lying when I said I had a lot to do tomorrow.  And she was right, if it was meant to be, fate would take its course.  
  
Listen to me.  
  
Fate?  I don’t even believe in fate!  What has this woman done to me?  
  
There was no doubt she was quite possibly the most interesting person I had ever met, especially at a charity dinner.  Something about her was so enticing, I could have talked to her all night long and never gotten tired of her voice.  
  
That voice!  
  
I am positive she had the sexiest voice I had ever heard.  She could have been reciting the encyclopedia and it would have been interesting.  
  
What am I thinking?!  
  
The encyclopedia is interesting, whether she was reading it or not.  
  
She has definitely done something to me.

**_And now I’m pacing back and forth_  
Wishing you were at my door  
I’d open up and you would say  
It was enchanting to meet you**

  
Eventually I realized sleep would not come tonight, so I decided to get out of bed and do something productive.  I headed downstairs to my office and began alphabetizing my books.  
  
The task was relatively mindless and I found my mind drifting to a million different ways I could run into the brunette.  
  
We could be eating at the same restaurant.  
  
She could be at another charity function.  
  
Same coffee house.  
  
Chance meeting on a crowded street.  
  
The list went on and on until I had thought of nearly every scenario in every location in Boston.  After my office was unpacked, the kitchen was organized and my shoeboxes were arranged by designer, I settled on the couch in front of a documentary.  
  
I must have dozed off because I the next thing I knew it was dark outside so I made sure Bass was fed, then headed back up to my bedroom for a shower and hopefully a little more sleep.  
  
I better meet that woman again soon or I might never get any sleep again.

**_And this is me praying that this was the very first page_  
Not where the story line ends  
My thoughts will echo your name  
Until I see you again**

  
I desperately tried to calm my nerves as I walked up the steps of the Boston Police station Monday morning.  It was my first day on the job, I just got in from San Francisco last week and I couldn’t be happier to be back in Boston.  Even if I never saw the mystery girl again, this city still seemed to have so much to offer.  
  
The last time I was here I was graduating from Boston Cambridge University and on my way to Johns Hopkins Medical School.  I had always loved it here, especially on a beautiful fall day as this one.  
  
A few officers in the main lobby wished me hello as I walked in and I politely responded to each.  Maybe I could actually make a few friends here, unlike in San Francisco.  Even though there were a few others I talked to at work, no one would ever invite me out for drinks or dinner with them, even though I know they went out nearly every weekend.  
  
I turned toward the elevators to make my way downstairs to the morgue.  Just before the doors clothes, I saw a hand reach in push them apart again.  
  
My heart stopped.  
  
“Hey” she said quietly, a grin on her face.  
  
“Hi!” I said a little too quickly.  I felt the blush creeping up my cheeks and shifted my eyes toward the floor.  I felt like I was burning under her gaze, like she was staring right into my soul.  
  
“Don’t take this the wrong way, because believe me, I’m stoked to see you, but what are you doing here?”  
  
“Oh, I work here.  I’m the new Chief M.E.”  
  
“Dr. Maura Isles” she stated with a knowing smile.  
  
“That’s me.” I replied.  I’m sure I was grinning like an idiot, but I didn’t really care.  She was actually here, standing in front of me, the one woman I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about for two days.  
  
“Detective Jane Rizzoli” she answered me.  “Homicide.  Looks like we’ll be spending a lot of time together.  Think you can handle it?”  
  
I smiled back at her and nodded.  
  
Oh yes, I could handle that.

**_I’ll spend forever wondering if you knew_ **


	10. Haunted

“Haunted”  
 _January 2012_

**_You and I walk a fragile line; I have known it all this time_ **   
**_But I never thought I’d live to see it break_ **   
**_It’s getting dark and it’s all too quiet_ **   
**_And I can’t trust anything now_ **   


  
After Maura left, I took the next two weeks off work.  Luckily for me, I had plenty of vacation time saved up since I never bothered to use any, and Cavanaugh was pretty accommodating once he had learned what happened between Maura and me.  
  
I spent most of the first week in bed.  I cried more tears than I would have thought humanly possible, everything reminded me of her; her scent seemed to be in every crevice of my apartment.  Every place I looked was somewhere we had kissed or she had told me she loved me or we had made love.  Every step I took I was being haunted by her memory.  
  
A week after she left, I realized I needed to get away.  Being so near to her memory wasn’t helping at all, so I got in my car and just started to drive.  I was almost all the way to New York before I realized where I was going.  I stopped the car at a rest area and ran my hands through my hair.  
  
What was I doing?  
  
It’s not like I could even find her in this city.  There were far too many people, far too many apartments, far too many precincts.  Sure, I could call all of them until I found the one she worked for, but what good would that do?  
  
She didn’t want to see me.  She made that perfectly clear.  
  
I pulled out of the rest stop and kept driving until I reached Atlantic City.  I booked a room for the week then wandered down to the beach and sat in the sand.  
  
I watched as families walked along the beach, they all seemed so happy, the husband, the wife, the 2.5 kids.  They probably had perfect houses with perfect yards and perfect white picket fences.  
  
They were the things that used to make me roll my eyes, now it was the one thing I wanted more than anything.  
  
I sat there until I couldn’t take the happy vacationing families anymore.  I got up and began walking back into the hotel, careful to shake off all the sand first.  I was going to head back to my room, I knew it wouldn’t be long before the crying started again and I really didn’t want to do that in public.  
  
Before I could make it to the elevators, however, I passed the hotel bar and decided a beer wouldn’t hurt.  I walked in and sat down at a stool at the end of the bar.  Being four in the afternoon, the place wasn’t too crowded, just a few guys at a bachelor party and a couple other lonely travelers like me.  
  
When the bartender approached, I quickly ordered my favorite beer and took a long drink when he sat the bottle down in front of me.  Sighing, I rested my head in my hands and willed the tears to stay away.  
  
“You wanna talk about it?” he asked me.  
  
“Not much to say.  I proposed; she walked away.”  
  
“I’m sorry to hear that.  You loved her?”  
  
“More than anything.”  
  
He nodded and began walking away.  A few moments later he returned and sat another beer down in front of her.  “This one’s on me.”  
  
I muttered thanks and pulled out my phone.  Calling her for what felt like the hundredth time, I sighed again when I heard it go straight to voicemail.  
  
“Maura, I…” I started, but I wasn’t sure what I was going to say.  I hadn’t really had anything to talk about, I just really wanted to hear her voice.  “I just really miss you.”  
  
It was a somewhat lame finish to the call, but I could see where this night was going and I’m sure it wouldn’t be the last time I called her today.

  
****_C’mon, c’mon, don’t leave me like this  
I thought I had you figured out_   
**_Something’s gone terribly wrong_ **   
****_You’re all I wanted_   


  
Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to deal with Maura leaving if she had actually given me some sort of explanation as to why she was leaving.  But she didn’t.  
  
Now I was left to wonder every single day if it was because of something I did or if there was something else going on.  But if it were something else, surely she would have told me, right?  We told each other everything.  I knew more about Maura than I did any other human on this earth and I trusted her.  I trusted her with my secrets, my fears, hell, I trusted her with my life.  
  
Certainly she trusted me too.  
  
Which always led me back to thinking that she must have left because she didn’t really love me after all.  Even though this still made no sense to me, she was the one who initiated our relationship, she told me every single day how much she loved me and when she wasn’t telling me, she was showing me.  It didn’t seem like this could be the case either, but then what option was I left with?  
  
None of it made sense to me.  
  
I keep hoping I will wake from this nightmare one day and that all of it will have been a dream and she will still be here, in my arms, fast asleep next to me.    
  
But I still haven’t woken up.

  
**_Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone_ **   
**_Can’t go back, I’m haunted_ **   


  
Other days, I wonder what it would have been like if we had never dated at all.  Would she still be here?  Would we still be best friends?  
  
Would we still be having lunch everyday and going to yoga and running marathons and having movie nights and going to the Dirty Robber?  
  
I hope so.  
  
But would I really trade all of that?  Would I really go back and make the decision to not be with her?  To never realize that she was my soul mate?  
  
I don’t think I would.  
  
Even though this heartbreak was unimaginable, even though it was worse than anything I had ever felt, I would never trade a single moment I spent in her arms.

  
**_Stood there, watched you walk away_ **   
**_From everything we had_ **   
**_But I still mean every word I said to you_ **   


  
_“Jane, I’m leaving.  I got a job offer.  I’m going to take it.  I’m moving.”_   
  
_“What?”  I repeated, tears already filling my eyes.  “You’re…what?”_   
  
_I looked at her expectantly, sure this was some sort of cruel joke, but no explanation came.  She sat there in a stony silence looking anywhere but in my eyes._   
  
_“I don’t understand.  I thought we were…I thought you were…happy.  I…” I trailed off, unsure of what to say.  My entire world had just been turned upside down; I had no idea where to go from here._   
  
_Without another word, she got off the couch, put on her jacket and opened the front door._   
  
_“I’m sorry, Jane.”_   
  
_I sat there on the couch for what felt like hours after she left, staring at the door, certain she would come bursting back through at any moment.  My entire body felt numb.  I felt like I couldn’t move, like I was an empty shell who no longer had a soul._   
  
_This must be what heartbreak feels like.  Not the heartbreak you feel when your crush doesn’t like you back or your high school boyfriend dumps you after a few weeks._   
  
_This was real heartbreak._   
  
_The kind of heartbreak you felt when you lost your soul mate, when the person who is literally your other half, the one who was made for you, who completes you in every way, leaves you._   
  
_That is true heartbreak._   
  
_But strangely, my heart didn’t feel broken._   
  
_I didn’t feel anything at all._   
  
_I just felt empty._   
  
_I felt dead inside._

  
**_He would try and take away my pain_ **   
**_And he just might make me smile_ **   
**_But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead_ **   


  
His name was Mark.  Mark Isis.  The similarity to a certain blonde’s name was not lost on me, when he introduced himself and asked me to dinner I had to literally stop myself from rolling my eyes at the irony.  But he was nice enough, so I said yes.    
  
What’s the worst that could happen?  
  
He turned out to be an okay guy.  My heart didn’t race like it did for Maura, he didn’t make me melt with a single look or have me picking out wedding dresses after the first date like she did, but he made me laugh and he was pleasant to talk to.  
  
Ma loved him.  He was a doctor.  
  
Of course he was.  
  
There was nothing wrong with him.  In fact, most people would consider him quite the perfect man.  I really was happy enough with him.  Happier than without him, I guess.  
  
Even if I hated him for all his similarities to Maura, it was also what I loved most about him.  
  
So when he proposed after six months, I saw no reason to say no.  
  
Maura wasn’t coming back, and he was a great guy.  He deserved to be happy, and if, for whatever reason, that happened to be me, who was I to deny him that?

**_I’m holding my breath, won’t see you again  
Something keeps me holding onto nothing_ **

  
In the back of my mind, I still had that sliver of hope that she would come back to me one day.  Even now, nearly two years later, engaged to someone else, I just wanted to see her one more time.  
  
I didn’t just lose the love of my life that day; I lost my best friend.  Even before we were dating, Maura was the most important person in my life.   We did everything together and now there was this huge void that just couldn’t be filled.  
  
Frankie tried his best.  He took me out for a beer as much as I allowed him to, he came over the second I asked, he was the best brother I could have asked for, but some days, it still wasn’t enough.  I still missed her and eventually I realized that was something I would likely live with for the rest of my life.  
  
Not a day would go by that I wouldn’t be wishing I could see her face.

**_Never thought I’d live to see it break_ **


	11. Speak Now

“Speak Now”  
 _January 2013_

****_I am not the kind of girl_  
Who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion  
But you are not the kind of boy   
****_Who should be marrying the wrong girl_   


  
Jane is getting married today.  I still couldn’t believe that she was actually marrying someone else.  
  
It wasn’t like I expected her to wait for me or anything.  I didn’t even expect her to stay single.  Who wouldn’t want to marry her?  She is kind.  She is wonderful.  She is perfect.  
  
I just didn’t expect it to feel like this.  
  
 _“Jane, wait!”_  
  
 _I ran out the door after her, and to my surprise, she stopped._  
  
 _“Please.  Don’t go.”_  
  
 _“Maura,” she took a deep breath, “It’s too late.”_  
  
 _And at that very second, I felt my heart break into a million tiny pieces.  Logically, I knew this couldn’t really happen but I now understood the metaphor._  
  
 _Sitting on Jane’s left hand was a small, beautiful, devastating diamond ring._  
  
 _My lungs were surely collapsing.  That was the only explanation I could come up with for why I couldn’t breathe.  She was still standing there, staring at me, as if she could see my mind turning, connecting the dots.  She is engaged.  To someone else._  
  
 _“You…You’re getting married?”_  
  
 _“Uh, yeah.  Um…on Saturday.”_  
  
 _Saturday?!_  
  
 _Saturday is five days from now.  She is getting married in five days._  
  
 _“Saturday.  Wow.  That’s so soon.”_  
  
 _“Yeah, well.  I should go.  Mark is waiting for me.”_  
  
 _Mark.  She is marrying someone named Mark._  
  
 _I tried to call out to her as I watched her walk away, but I couldn’t seem to find my voice._  
  
 _What was I going to do?_

  
****_I sneak in and see your friends_  
And her snotty little family all dressed in pastel  
And she is yelling at a bridesmaid  
Somewhere back inside a room   
****_Wearing a gown shaped like a pastry_   


  
It was Saturday afternoon and I was no closer to figuring out what to do about Jane.  I know I should just let her be happy, but could I really let the love of my life marry someone else without at least trying to get her back?  
  
I need to at least apologize.  Tell her the whole story, everything I had ever kept from her to keep her safe from Richard.  She had a right to know why I walked away.  
  
I called the only Rizzoli I could think of that might still be willing to talk to me.  When Tommy answered, it took quite a bit of persuasion to tell me where the ceremony was taking place, but finally he in.  
  
“But you better not hurt her again” were his final words before he hung up the phone.  
  
Getting in my car, I drove to the other side of town as fast as possible, determined to tell her the truth before it was too late.  When I arrived, I snuck in the side door and walked down the hall as quietly as I could and peered in the one room with an open door.  
  
My heart skipped a beat when I saw Jane standing there alone, staring out the window.  She looked absolutely beautiful.  She was wearing a simple strapless off-white dress that fit her perfectly and pooled into a short train behind her.  It was so perfectly her.  
  
“How did you find me?” she asked without turning toward me.  Her question shocked me, I hadn’t known she had heard me walk in, let alone knew who it was.  
  
“I saw you pull in the parking lot,” she explained.  
  
“Tommy.”  
  
“Remind me to uninvited him.”  
  
“Jane, please, just hear me out.”  
  
“No, Maura, I can’t do this today.  I can’t have you here.  It’s hard enough to get married just knowing you’re out there somewhere, let alone having you standing right here.  I just can’t do it.  Please don’t ask me to choose you.”  
  
“I wasn’t going to.”   
  
“Then what?”  
  
“I just thought you should know the truth.  The whole truth, not the half-truths I’ve been telling you all these years, the real, 100% honest answer.  Before you do this, I just want you to know.”  
  
She didn’t answer, but moved to shut the door behind me, then sat on the couch on the other side of the room.  She gestured for me to sit next to her and I took a deep breath, praying to every single God I had never believed in that I could make this right.

  
****_This is surely not what you thought it would be  
I lose myself in a daydream where I stand and say_   
**_Don’t say yes, run away now_ **   
**_I’ll meet you when you’re out of the church at the back door_ **   
**_Don’t wait or say a single vow_ **   
****_You need to hear me out and they said speak now_   


  
“I got married once.”  
  
It was a simple statement, but even in just admitting that much, it felt like a million tons had been lifted from my shoulders.  She looked shocked, but didn’t ask any questions, so I pressed on.  
  
“His name was Richard.  I went to Vegas for spring break my last year at BCU.  I didn’t really want to go, but the other girls in my suite invited me along and it had been so long since anyone asked me to go out with them, I didn’t want to say no.  So I went.”  
  
I twirled the ring on my right hand, pausing for a moment in case she had any questions.  She didn’t.  She just kept staring at me, a look of surprise gracing her features.  
  
“One night, they wanted to go to this bar, so I tagged along.  I had never really drank before that night, I had only turned 21 a few weeks before and I got drunk a lot faster than I would have expected.  The girls kept buying me shots.  I really don’t remember much of it though.  Next thing I knew, I was waking up in some seedy motel room with a ring on my finger.”  
  
She still hadn’t said a word.  Her silence was actually a bit frightening, but I kept going.  
  
“It turns out, Richard had been stalking me.  I didn’t find this out until much later, but he was obsessed with me, he had been following me around and when he found out we were going to Vegas, he followed us there.  When he saw me drunk, he took his opportunity to make his move.  
  
“I was mortified.  I was going to go to Harvard, you know.  But I couldn’t, I had to get away from Boston.  I told my parents when I got back and they hired the best divorce attorney they could find.  He wouldn’t agree to an annulment, of course.  Every step of the way, he kept dragging his feet, wouldn’t sign the papers, wouldn’t agree to anything, wouldn’t show up in court.  
  
“He said he loved me.  I know he didn’t though.  I didn’t want anything to do with him, but he kept following me.  Before I came back here, I had been moving around most every year, just to make sure he didn’t find me.  Especially after what he did to Ian, I couldn’t risk that happening again.  
  
“He kidnapped him.  Beat him.  Threatened him.  I just couldn’t risk that happening to you.  I wanted to tell you, but I knew you would go after him, I knew you would hunt him down until you found him and I was scared something would happen to you.  I just wanted to keep you safe.”  
  
I’m sure I was forgetting parts of the story, but I knew she had gotten all the important parts.  She sat there in silence for a few more minutes before finally speaking.  
  
“Why now?  Why would you come back now?”  
  
“He’s dead,” I replied simply, staring at the floor in front of me.  
  
I heard her let out a sigh and she shifted next to me.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her hesitate before setting her hand on my leg.  “I wish you would have told me.  I wish you would have trusted me enough to protect you.  To protect myself.”  
  
“I do trust you!”  
  
“You don’t.  If you did, you would have told me.  Then we wouldn’t be in this mess.”  
  
“He would have killed you.”  
  
“I would have killed him first.”  
  
Our eyes met for the first time all day and I couldn’t escape the pain I found in them.  I felt the tears start to fall down my cheek and watched her reach up to wipe them away.  
  
“I wish I could go back.  Do it all differently.”  
  
“Me too,” she agreed.  “But we can’t.  And I’m supposed to get married today.  I love you, Maura, you know I love you, you know I will always love you.  But I can’t just pretend nothing happened and go back to how it used to be.  Too much has happened.  And Mark is a good guy; I do care about him.  I can’t just…I’m supposed to get married.”  
  
“I know I have no right to ask you not to do this.  I gave up that right a long time ago; I know that.  But I don’t want you to get married today.  I want you to give me a second chance.  I want to prove to you how much I love you, how much I care about you.  But because I love you, I just want you to be happy.  So if this is really what you want, if this will make you happy, I won’t say a word.  I will leave now, go back to New York and never talk to you again, if that’s what you want.  Just look me in the eye and tell me he makes you as happy as I did.”  
  
“You know I can’t do that.”  
  
“Then you know I can’t leave.”

  
**_Fond gestures are exchanged_ **   
**_And the organ starts to play a song that sounds like a death march_ **   
**_And I am hiding in the curtains_ **   
**_It seems that I was uninvited by the lovely bride-to-be_ **   


  
I slipped out of the room before she could say another word and walked back to my car, sat in the drivers seat and turned on the air conditioning.  Even in the bitter Boston cold, I felt like I was on fire.  
  
I still had no idea what to do.  
  
She wasn’t happy with him.  That was what she said.  If she was happy, even though it would be hard, I could walk away.  But I can’t just leave knowing she’s not happy and knowing it’s my fault that she is even in this position.  
  
Richard had haunted me enough when he was alive, he had ruined every relationship, I would not let him rule my life from beyond the grave too.  
  
He may have ruined my relationship with Jane once, but if I left now, that was on me, not him.  
  
Guests began arriving and just a few minutes before five o’clock, I made up my mind.  I shut off the engine, grabbed my purse and walked back inside.

  
**_She floats down the isle like a pageant queen_ **   
**_But I know you wish it was me  
You wish it was me, don’t you?_ **   


  
From my spot in the back corner, I watch as she makes her way down the isle and I wonder how she is feeling.  Is she disappointed?  
  
Once upon a time, she had planned on me being the one standing across from her, not this Mark guy.  
  
And of course, he was gorgeous, with his blond hair and green eyes and well toned musculature.  I couldn’t help but notice the MD after his name in the program.  
  
He was basically me.  
  
So maybe she wasn’t disappointed after all.  Maybe it was what she wanted all along, the male version of me.  Had I kept my mouth shut and never told her how I felt, maybe she could have had both of us.  
  
But as she passed me, she caught my eye and I knew.  I knew she was wishing I were the one at the other end of the isle.  I knew, because in that moment, I felt like I could see into her soul.  I could see exactly how she felt.  
  
Of course, she felt hurt and betrayed because I had left.  But I could also see that she loved me.  She loved me more than she had ever loved another, more than she probably ever would.  
  
I could practically see her eyes begging me to give her a reason to run out of here.

  
**_I hear the preacher say speak now or forever hold your peace_ **   
**_There’s a silence, it’s my last chance_ **   
**_I stand up with shaking hands, all eyes on me_ **   
**_Horrified looks from everyone in the room_ **   
**_But I’m only looking at you_ **   


This had never been my plan, to show up here, interrupt the ceremony, cause I scene.  I didn’t cause scenes.  It just wasn’t something I had ever done, nor was it something I ever wanted to do.  But here I was, standing in the isle, everyone in the room staring at me.  I tried to determine the look on Jane’s face, it was filled with shock, but I was certain I saw the tiniest bit of hope.  
  
“What are you doing?” she asked, it was barely more than a whisper, but in the deadly silent church, I heard her just fine.  
  
“Don’t do this.  You  _can’t_  do this.  We belong together, Jane, and you know it.  I know you love me.  We can fix this.  Please don’t do it.”  
  
Tears were streaming down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away.  I saw her quickly look at Mark, then at Angela sitting in the front row.  I could see her hesitate and I was sure it was over.  She chose him.  That was it for me.  
  
I turned to leave and just as I reached the door, I heard her.  
  
“Wait!”  
  
I stopped, my heart was pounding and I was holding my breath. This was one of those moments, one that was going to determine the rest of my life and I knew it.  Half of me couldn’t wait to hear what she was going to say, the other half terrified she was going to tell me to leave her life forever.  
  
Slowly, she made her way to me.  When she got close enough, she pulled me through the door, then reached out her arms and put them on my shoulders, looking me in the eye.  
  
“Don’t think this means I forgive you because I don’t.  I am still so mad at you that I don’t even have enough words to describe it.  But you were right.  I do love you and I do think we belong together.  And I know I will regret it forever if I don’t give you another chance.”  
  
Could this really be happening?  Did she just run out on her own wedding?  For me?  
  
“Jane, I…”  
  
But I couldn’t get anymore out because the next thing I knew, she was kissing me.  Her kiss was unlike any we had ever shared before.  It was raw, full of every emotion both of us have been feeling for the past two years.  Her arms snaked around my waist, mine around her neck and I held her as tight as I could, as if she would slip away like a dream if I let go.  
  
“It’s not going to be easy” she said when she finally broke away from me.  
  
“I know.  You up for the challenge?”  I asked her, remembering the first night we met.  I could see she was remembering it too when a faint smile appeared on her face.  
  
“Jane Rizzoli never backs down from a challenge.”

**_So glad I was around when they said speak now_ **


	12. Never Grow Up

“Never Grow Up”  
 _May 2020_

**_Your little hand’s wrapped around my finger_ **   
**_And it’s so quiet in the world tonight_ **   
**_Your little eyelids flutter cause you’re dreaming_ **   
**_So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite nightlight_ **   


  
I couldn’t stop the grin from appearing on my face as I stared down at the beautiful baby lying in the crib below me.  I never thought I would be the maternal type.  I always thought maybe after getting married, if my husband wanted kids, I would consider it, never that I would be the one pushing to have kids.  But being here, where I am now?  This I never would have expected.  
  
Of course, I never expected to have a wife instead of a husband.  I was certainly never attracted to women before.  Sure, I could admire their beauty, there had been many times I had agreed with a ‘yeah, she’s hot’ when the guys got talking about the attractive girls at the Robber.  
  
But as far as actually being with a woman?  
  
I would have called you crazy.  Insane.  Ridiculous.  
  
But here I am with a wife and a little girl who looks like the spitting image of her mother with her blonde curls hanging over her face.  
  
She was perfect.  
  
 _“Jane!  Jane, come here!  Quick!”_  
  
 _I rolled my eyes as I climbed the stairs quickly, thinking my wife had another “huge spider” she needed me to kill for her.  Approaching our bedroom, I heard her yell out for me again, “Jane, hurry up!”_  
  
 _“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming, Maur, hold your horses.”_  
  
 _The second I opened the door; she jumped into my arms holding me as tight as she could, wrapping her legs around my waist.  Not prepared for it, I stumbled a bit before I found my footing and moved my hands to her thighs to support her from underneath._  
  
 _Before I could ask her what was going on, she was kissing me.  I fell back against the door I had just kicked shut and felt myself moan into her mouth.  Must’ve been some spider, I thought to myself._  
  
 _After a few moments, she pulled back and rested her forehead on mine.  I watched as a huge smile broke out on her face._  
  
 _“It worked, Jane.”_  
  
 _“You mean…?”_  
  
 _“Yeah.”_  
  
 _I kissed her again and moved to the bed, dropping her and collapsing on top of her.  I captured her lips once again, letting my hand trail up her thigh and rest on her stomach._  
  
 _“You’re pregnant.”_  
  
 _“I’m pregnant.”_  
  
 _“We’re having a baby,” I whispered, and I couldn’t stop grinning.  Not that I would want to.  We are really having a baby.  In nine months, we will have a beautiful, perfect, wonderful baby._  
  
 _“Yeah, baby, we’re having a baby.”_

  
**_To you, everything’s funny_ **   
**_You’ve got nothing to regret_ **   
**_I’d give all I have, honey_ **   
**_If you could stay like that_ **   


  
She looks so innocent.  She hasn’t had time yet to feel pain, to feel loss or heartbreak.  There is something so wonderful about that.  Part of me wants to protect her from that.  To chase down anyone who would ever have the nerve to make her cry or break her heart.  
  
The other part of me knows that she will have to live and learn just like everyone else does.  
  
Thinking back, I knew I wouldn’t change a thing.  Even the times I hurt so bad that I nearly wanted to die.  All of those moments led us here, and I definitely wouldn’t change here.  
  
My family thought I was crazy for walking out on my wedding.  Ma nearly had a stroke when I told her I couldn’t marry him because I was still in love with Maura.  
  
Of course, Ma had always loved Maura, since day one.  She was the girly daughter that I had never been and Ma was ecstatic to finally have a daughter to take shopping and teach to cook and whatever else it was the two of them did together.  
  
But Ma quickly changed her opinion of Maura when she left me.  I had been a little surprised, I had almost expected her to blame the whole thing on me, but she didn’t.  She took my side immediately and I will forever be grateful for that.  
  
It took a long time for Maura to win her over again; it actually took even longer for Ma to forgive her than it did for me to forgive her.  Even Frankie had frozen her out for quite a bit longer than I had and even though it was frustrating, I was secretly happy to know they were both on my side.  
  
After I went back to the alter to explain to Mark that I couldn’t marry him, a fact he took surprisingly well, I quickly changed out of the dress and into my favorite pair of jeans and my Red Sox jersey and Maura and I made our way back to her house.  
  
It was a long night of talking, she filled me in on many of the details she hadn’t mentioned before about Richard, she explained about her life in New York, and I told her all about Mark.  
  
In the months after, I let Maura ‘court’ me, as she called it and I was surprised at how patient she was while she waited for me to forgive her.  
  
I would never tell her this, but I actually forgave her long before I ever told her that.  I knew all along that if she ever came back, chances are I would end up forgiving her eventually.  I truly believed she was my soul mate, but it still surprised me how little effort it took on her part for me to want to give her a second chance.    
  
But despite my quick acceptance of her apologies, she had hurt me, she had hurt me more than I ever thought anyone could, and despite how much I loved her, part of me wanted to punish her a bit for that.  
  
Looking down at the sleeping baby girl, I couldn’t help but be happy about how everything turned out.  

  
**_Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up_ **   
**_Don’t you ever grow up_ **   
**_Just stay this little_ **   
**_Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up_ **   
**_Don’t you ever grow up_ **   
**_It could stay this simple_ **   
**_I won’t let nobody hurt you_ **   
**_Won’t let no one break your heart_ **   
**_No one will desert you_ **   
**_Just try to never grow up_ **   


  
I could stare at her all night and never get tired of the view.  
  
I thought the happiest day of my life was the day Maura and I got married, then she told me she was pregnant and I thought there was no way I could possibly be happier.  Then I got to hold that little baby girl in my arms and I couldn’t believe I was even happier.  
  
Every single day, I felt happier than the last.  
  
Sure, it wasn’t always easy.  Maura and I still fought some days and there were nights it was my turn to get up with the baby and I wanted nothing more than to get some more sleep.  Ma was still pushy as ever, asking us all the time when we’re going to have more kids.  
  
But one thing is for sure; I would never trade where I am for anything in the world.  
  
I felt arms wrap around me from behind and instantly my smile grew wider.  I rested my hands on hers and leaned back into her.  She rested her cheek against my back and pulled me even closer.  
  
“She’s so beautiful,” she whispered, moving around to stand next to me, arms still wrapped around my waist.  I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pressed a kiss into her temple.  
  
“Yeah, she looks just like you.”  
  
She smiled up at me, that one she reserved just for me.  There was a time I thought I might never get to see that smile again and now I can’t imagine my life without it.  
  
I can’t imagine my life without her, or without our little girl.  
  
Our perfect little girl.

**_Even though you want to, please try to never grow up_ **


End file.
